Log Of Helen Magnus
by melissaadams22
Summary: Helen’s thoughts following some of the events episodes at the Sanctuary.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Log Of Helen Magnus

Synopsis: Helens thoughts following some of the events (episodes) at the Sanctuary.

Co-Author: None

Email:

Pairing: Magnus

Rating: FRG

Season: 1

Episode Spoilers: Season 1 episode Sanctuary For All

Disclaimer: I dont own Sanctuary, just borrowing it to take it out for a stroll so dont sue me cause it isnt mine and I promise to return it in the same shape I found it in. J J J J

Authors Notes: Ive never as yet tried to write a Sanctuary story particularly from Helens POV (point of view) as Im not sure I can get in her head rightits a bit scary, shes just so danged complicated. My plan for this story is to do a log/journal entry for every episode/event; not sure if the webisodes will be included as they were sort of redone for the TV series but well see. This is chapter one so please let me know how I did, especially about getting in her headI want to do it right but Im just not sure if I did her credit and I really want to.

[Sanctuary For All Pt. 1 & 2]

Carefully watching her newest staff member as well as the friend she had a feeling since he hadnt run screaming into the night at the revelations hed shared with her leave her office Doctor Helen Magnus had to smile to herself just a bit silently before she gently opened the leather log below her fingers, shed been in the middle of updating it on the latest adventures as she tried to keep up with her personal journals/logs as much as possible finding over the years it was one f the few things that was therapeutic as well as revealing sometimes even to herself. Scanning the worlds already written quickly, her favorite pen a gift from her daughter a great many years ago, turning idly in her fingers as her eyes moved over the carefully transcribed wordsafter all it would hardly do for someone with her upbringing to have anything but perfect penmanship.

_The latest adventure that my staff and I have found ourselves involved with not only allowed us to aid a young boy with a single intelligent symbiotic appendage from his parents likely exposure to radiation in the city of Genoa but it also afforded me the opportunity to expand my staffhowever I do wish it had not come at such a cost. It has been so easy for me since the time of Ashleys birth to lull myself into a false sense of security about the man who once a great and intelligent man, the man I was determined to spend rest of my life with, however I turned complacent and I allowed myself to underestimate Johns determination._

_ Each time I think of him its impossible of me not to recall the gentle, caring, concerned man who approached me so many decades ago on the lawn at Oxford, his softness and gentleness and yet the underlying strength that saw me through so much. John and I never needed words; simple presence was enough for the both of us; even after all this time I fear. Why my latest actions were born about of a desire and need to protect our daughter even from her father part of me cannot hide or ignore the desire that somehow I have been wrong, that what I forced him to do did not result in his death and that he is somehow still out theresomewhere waiting until I can find the cure that will one day bring him back to me._

_ How nave we all wore back at Oxford, our desires may have been lofty and our goals true of heart but we had no idea what our curiosity and our desires would cost us each in our own way but perhaps John most of all. Even I cannot understand that which he fights against every moment of everyday, the rage and bloodlust that consumes him and more and more eats up the man I knew and yet somewhere under the surface I saw just the hint of the man I fell in love withwho through all time I will always be in love with. Time though my enemy is also my confidant reminding me of happier times, reminding me of the man Im in love with and that there is always a chance that perhaps I may find the cure and if he is alive perhaps we can have the future we promised ourselves so many, many years ago._

_ On other matters Ashley is currently recovering after her ordeal with the creature within the enclosure, if not for my newest staff member and protg I fear however that may not be the case; more about young Doctor Zimmerman in a moment however. Silence has slipped into the relationship I share with my daughter and I do not blame her, there are so many things I should have told her and yet fear of how she may react have assured my silence. Each time I send her out it is with the intimate knowledge that she may not return and yet I still have not taken the chance to speak with her at length. Next to finding a cure for my former fianc, being able to rid him of the madness I have spent over a century failing at which has resulted in countless loss of life, my only other hope is that one day I may find the courage to share with my daughter all that my fear forces me to keep silent. I can only hope that through it all, no matter what, Ashley understands just how very much I love her and how much I would gladly to do to protect her, even at the sacrifice of my own life._

Pausing in her reading having ended there Helen Magnus put her pen down to settle back in her chair thinking over the words, taking a sip from her nearly empty teacup, and using the opportunity to form her thoughts before she picked up her pen again to continue before going to check on her daughter and the others again for the evening.

_I have rescued and saved a great many children over the years from abnormal attacks, even some have come to know me and my work and I value all of them and the contributions they made however when I held young William Zimmerman so many years ago reassuring him that he would be safe I had no idea how vital he may come. Of course I have kept up with his exploits since that initial meeting though until recently he has not put the pieces together of our first meetinga fact I am immensely grateful for. Why his gifts of seeing past the known will be invaluable to the Sanctuary and to the work in the abnormal world I cannot help but feel that he is destined to become so much more. It is possible that unlike previous protgs Ive had in such a long time that this young man given enough time and enough guidance may one day be the idle candidate to take over for me should the time come._

_ My position as head of the Sanctuary Network is not one that I have yet found anyone capable of handling in a full degree, including Ashley as she is at this stage in her life too much reaction and not enough forethought first (a fault of youth as even I know), but Will though young has the feel about him of wisdom. He has a desire for understanding and for looking past not only what is known and telling people what they dont know but also telling them and picking up on what they may not want to know or share, it is a rare combination that I have in my 157 years only seen once before in one other individualof course what are the odds that I have found another James Watson as counselHmmm, time like all matters within my life will answer the question I hope?_

The woman had just closed her journal when her ringing phone demanded her attention and when she heard the demanding voice had to smile just a bit, My darling, I was just on my way to see you.

TBC in Ch. 2


	2. Chapter 2

[Fata Morgana]

::Sanctuary::

::Central Lab::

Sighing as she sat back on the stool that was in the central lab where she was working currently so the staff and the patients could see her more than anything else, time had taught her more than most others that as the leader of the facility and of the network most looked to her all the time to be together, be rational, be the calm one and she had to give that appearance for them more than anything else. With the repairs still underway from their most recent adventure Doctor Helen Magnus took a moment to look around at the enclosures on this level, a few empty but theyd been very lucky that their recent guests hadnt brought down more of a situation than what they currently had.

_Acting on intelligence we received from Sylvio about an elixir with unusual powers on an island near Scotland my team and I were more than a little surprised to find three women alive in crypts being guarded by more than a few keepers of the dead. Eventually we returned them to the Sanctuary for medical attention and aid though it turns out they were much more than what we originally thought; but in true fashion as is often the case most of our guests fit into that category. Why it turns out the three women we were recovered were the actually Morrigan from the reign of King Arthurs time, witches in laymens terms, it was not them per say that were our greatest difficult._

_ During their examinations I found rings on their right hand index fingers and research led me to a connection with an ancient cult called Cabala Noctunus, doing much what the Sanctuary does though for a great deal longer it seems and with far less lofty morals and goals in mind Im afraid. Needing more information as my newest protg, Will, tried to help the ladies recall their past I dispatched Ashley to contact one of our contacts (Squid), to gather more information. She learned, too late unfortunately, that this cult was operating today in modern terms and they had infiltrated and were operating within several powerful organizations in private business as well as government agencies; meaning unfortunately, they were a very serious threat._

_ Before I could dispatch orders or see that the Morrigan were moved to more secure surroundings they lashed out and injured my manservant as well as young Will, though neither will suffer permanently from their injuries, as well as destroyed half my facility. The blame for their actions lie with me Im afraid, once I confirmed their connection to this Cabal I should have done much more extensive testing, determined exactly what powers they possessed and taken far more appropriate reactions. Despite Wills reassurances that I did all I could I am afraid I became a bit complacent in my work and it resulted in failure and almost the loss of my facility._

_ Unfortunately the Cabal retrieval team led by the Keepers were able to entice a great deal of damage to my facility plus they managed to reacquire the Morrigan though it was by their choice this time, I made it clear that they were under my protection if they wished to stay with us however their choice was clear and they did not wish to put us in danger. Its unclear what may happen to them, I have my contacts keeping an ear to the ground for any word and if I should get the opportunity in the future to set them free and see them safe, help them further I shall most assuredly take it but for now they made the decision that is best for them and for us._

_ From a staff standpoint I have to commend Will, for this being his first official mission with us he did an admirable job though I fear that he believes he failed, in time I am confidant he will realize that he did all that he could but for now he feels there is more he should have donemore we should have done. It will take time but he will settle into his limits and the life here at the Sanctuary, I have no doubts of that at this time nor do I doubt that hell be invaluable at the future. In so many ways he reminds me of a young James Watson, though that of course is not a fact I will share with him at this time._

Boss Henry Fosss voice interrupted bringing her head up as he came closer, Sorry, I need your signature on this requisition for some materials for the lab so I can get it back up and running and the big guy said to tell you hes about finished rounding up Keepers and needs to know if you want em downstairs or in the morgue or what making a face at that.

Closing her journal Helen nodded accepting the tablet and the stylus, Do try to keep us within budget this month Henry, if you can please.

He smiled innocently in that way he had, Do my best Doc but you know how much tech it takes to run this place. Thanks.


	3. Chapter 3 Folding Man

[Folding Man]

Taking another few moments to check on their temporary guests before returning to her office to get caught up on some work before the next crisis demanded her attention Doctor Helen Magnuss thoughts were a little more chaotic than normal. She wasnt worried about the folding men currently in her care, the withdrawal from the TPG wasnt good but none of them were in danger of dying and watching them go through the fight as it were wasnt how she normally enjoyed herself but still she was their doctor and she would see them all safely back to health and to their homes. In addition the information she was already learning about this ability was amazing and would really further her research and understanding should another situation involving their species come up in the future.

After deciding she deserved a little bit of a break and that her journal normally cleared her thoughts pretty well the woman carefully made sure a fire was going, despite the fact the Sanctuary was rarely if ever cold thanks to the heat and the comfortable temperature that her body normally stayed at the truth was she loved the firelight even if it wasnt purposefully needed itshe could loose herself for hours and hours in the flame, it had been her one constant companion all these years. Once that was done she settled down on the sofa instead of her desk and carefully got comfortable in a corner of the sofa watching the fire for a moment before she took her favorite pen to the first empty page of her current journalshe had a great many of them over the years.

_The plot by the folding man known as Nomad aka Malcolm Dawkins failed thanks to the invaluable work of my team, their abilities and resolve even to this day surprise me and I could not be prouder of each of them especially my newest staff member. This undertaking with the folding men and their community as well as the evil side of their personalities allowed him a chance to shine even though Will sees it as a personal failure. I have chosen not to approach him fully yet to try and help him work through that belief since it is erroneous, my hope is that he will either come to terms with it on his own or he will seek our my counsel at some pointfor now I leave the matter in his hands._

_ My hope is that the folding men we are currently aiding in the withdrawal from the TPG that Nomad was using to control them and bend them to his will should leave no lasting effects and that within a few weeks they should be able to return to their homes. For now the city does not have to brace itself for the crime wave that would have surely resulted if Mr. Dawkins had been able to complete his plan. Why by most standards of what the Sanctuary endures and interacts with everyday this past situation would have been called relatively minor in the grand scheme of things I have to be reminded that this is precisely why this network and what me and my staff do worldwide is neededthe authorities would not have been able to contain the situation in time and it would have resulted in almost sure disaster._

_ Returning my thoughts to my young protg for a moment I cannot stress even to myself enough just how in time invaluable he will be, Will Zimmermans gift for seeing beyond the known is valuable and yet he already challenges me and my beliefs in ways that I have not had in a great, great, great many decades. His insights and wonder at this world, his eager desire to accept what his mind is telling him is impossible and yet that which his eyes are seeing is part of his charm. The most accurate analogy maybe that of a child, he is as if a newborn who is confronted with the world and all its wonder and is trying to put it into perspective. I have no doubts that he will be victorious and that sooner than even I may know this young man will not only become a valuable ally and associate to me but a fine leader within the Sanctuary network and the world of abnormals as a whole._

_ On another sadder note the current situation resulted in a loss of a vital contact to our work, Mr. Jones, an abnormal capable of flight, was killed in a quest for power by the folding men. I am as yet unsure if it was Nomad who killed him, most likely someone he ordered, however it still resulted in the loss. The body remains here at the Sanctuary until appropriate arrangements are made, I am not sure if he had a family or notI must remember to send Ashley to find out for me the next time she has a moment._

A soft knocking at her door made Helen look up from her writing and she smiled closing her journal seeing who it was, Come in please.


	4. Chapter 4

[Kush]

Sitting in her chambers and the sitting area Helen Magnus offered her daughter a smile as she carefully sat her full teacup down and said she was going to go watch a movie with Henry. She smiled and returned the tight hug from Ashley as she said that she was glad she was ok and all right, As am I my darling, thank you releasing her so she could go. Carefully picking up her journal again the woman scanned the previous words before her daughter had interrupted her to bring her a fresh hot cup of tea, which she was grateful for.

_It is with deep regret that I have to log officially that the mission to retrieve the creature that is believed to be a myth in the mountains of the area closest to the New Delhi facility resulted in a great loss of lifeincluding the facilities head of house and a dear friend, Doctor Allison Grant. Fortunately Will and myself survived the encounter but I fear if it had gone on for much longer we may not have. The creatures natural ability to manipulate the humanoid brain to see or not see whatever it wished resulted in the deaths of Dr. Grant as well as one of the Sanctuarys oldest contacts, Sylvio plus four other innocent personnel who were aboard the plane when we were forced to make an emergency landing. Also so it is made clear the decision to track the creature and to allow others on the cargo plane that was bringing us back lays squarely on my shouldersall decisions including those that resulted in the loss of so much life rest solely with me._

_ From a scientific standpoint the body of the creature has as yet taught us much, its ability to manipulate humans or humanoids rather is truly remarkable and the blood samples I ran so far have revealed some rather remarkable physiological changes and evolutionary stepsgiven time to study the results in detail I am confidant this species may offer very detailed insights or at least bring about more poignant questions about the past of humanity and the future of how we may evolve to deal with radical changes in our environment from the effects of global warming or other phenomena that can effect the environment._

Pausing in her writing or rather reviewing of her already written words to lean forward and take a sip of her tea the woman glanced over at the fire taking a moment more to form her thoughts then settled back in on the lounge to continue her thoughts

_Despite the horrific loss of life I must especially commend my young protg, his aid in figuring out what was going on despite what surely had to be a great level of fear and uncertainty was invaluable. His insights were accurate and normally very quick in coming however he also formed poignant and necessary questions that in turn forced me to think in areas it may have taken me slightly longer to come up with on my own. Why I deeply regret what has happened and accept full blame I also offer my heartfelt praise and congratulations to my young colleague, his future with the network is looking brighter with each mission he embarks upon._

_ Similarly a part of me is troubled over the hallucinations and nightmares that young Will experienced aboard the plane, it is possible the creature simply pulled out what was most vivid in his recall which is why I have Henry pulling the security footage from his bedroom for the past few weeks while Will sleptI hope to review it and assuage any concerns but if he is still suffering from the nightmares of his mothers passing when he was a child then it troubles me to a degree that he has not sought me out or at least spoken of them and informed me hes sufferingat the very least I could prescribe him something to allow him to get some rest; I do hope he is not self medicating at this time however._

_ My own hallucinations/visions on the plane thanks to the creature revolved around my own demons and I fear they will forever be with me. Montague John Druitt will always be the single man who holds my heart, despite what he is or what he has become, I shall always love him however having him appear even in hallucinations rattled me and distracted me at times when I possibly could have prevented one of the others from being murdered. Though I know it was the abnormal who was manipulating me I have to wonder if my own feelings about John and our history did not perhaps allow them to have more control than was strictly necessary and if I had been less caught up in the memory and the feelings this man still after all these years brought forward in me, I may have broken out of the hallucinations for all but a moment to see what was really going on? I fear that maybe a question that as yet never has an answer because regardless of my feelings John Druitt shall always impact mefor all eternity._

_ Many have asked me over the years if what I have done and what I continue to do through the Sanctuary network is worth it and I have never hesitated in my resolve, not once but it has come at the cost of so very much both personally and professionally. Ive lost a great many colleagues, friends, lovers and more over the many years since as such a young and nave child I stormed into my fathers study demanding to be shown his private research. I flatter myself to think that if he knew today what his dream and his work had become he would be immensely proud. Why our workmy work will likely always remain clouded in shadow and mystery there is also an inherent reward when those few others that have glimpsed into but a small portion of what this world can offer share with me how they understand and applaud my efforts. No longer simply a chance to study the strange and unusual, the Sanctuary now provides a vital function not just to me and other scientists of our time but to the protection of the worldshould it ever falter I fear that fear, chaos, and destruction would reign and may very well lead to the final destruction of the human and possibly all life on Earth._

There were a great many more thoughts Helen wished to share but they were more scientific based and she had work to do, dealing with the loss of life and the mission which had gone so wrong plus she had more tests on the creatures body she wished to conduct and could perhaps incorporate them into her upcoming appearance at the conference in Romeit would depend on the results of those tests. First on her agenda however as she stood up putting her log back where she kept it in her room and picked up her tea Helen wanted to check on her young protg, offer to have him help her if he had the desire though based on previous experience with him walking in on an autopsy she doubted he would take her up on that part of the offerstill she would make it, he was a scientist at heart just not the same level and type she was; of course that was why they worked well together.


	5. Chapter 5

[Nubbins]

Thanking her protg who offered to show their latest guest out Doctor Magnus made a couple phone calls and then went to work some in the lab, time flying by before dinner was over and done with and she found herself back in her office. Pouring herself a fresh glass of juice, she rarely drank anything but tea but tonight she felt like something different and smiled at the sweet taste as she took a sip, her manservant knew her so very well sometimes it was scary even for her.

Deciding to do some writing and soon having settled herself on the sofa in front of the fire the woman made a few notes about the two species of abnormals that theyd been dealing with the last day and a half or so, the ones that had cost her friend his life. They were fascinating but just as fascinating was Sophies ability as well, but shed document more of what she knew about that later. Slowly in her more private log the pen drifted across the paper as her words flowed easily seeming to form themselves.

_The Sanctuary managed to survive its latest crisis relatively safely though I have to say this again serves as a reminder to me and I hope my staff that even though a creature may seem relatively benign there is always the possibility for problemseven though unintentional. Though it unfortunately is true that if not for Ashleys fascination and breaking standard protocol by removing one of the nubbins from its enclosure thereby letting it escape and free the others, we would not have had this current crisis I can hardly fault her for her lack in judgment since I also fell the pull of their pheromone induced stupor for lack of a better term at the moment. They are of course fascinating creatures and I look forward to more detailed study of them and their physiology in the futurehowever their location and numbers must be carefully contained lest we risk another episode like we have currently dealt with._

_ As cute and benign as the nubbins maybe that is as breathtaking and dangerous the predator that Eric and his crew captured with them is, the damage it did when we let him loose to try and herd the majority of the creatures to safety was substantialincluding one of my more favorite pair of curtains in the library, but it was also this creature that was solely responsible for the destruction aboard the research ship and the six deaths that resulted when it escaped from its enclosure. Though I am positive that Eric would be the very last to hold malice toward the creature I must confess there is a part of me that is upset to have lost so many vital to our work, when it could have been avoided had the danger been understood._

_ As if the nubbins and the predator were not enough of a situation the Sanctuary found ourselves involved in a bit of a mystery of another kind, though fortunately it worked out and we were able to offer our services to improve the life of a young woman (Sophie MacCrae)who is just starting to realize and explore developing empathic powers that all evidence shows her grandfather, Maurice, shared in as well. Though Mr. MacCrae spent the last several years in a psychiatric institution he made sure that even at the time of his passing his granddaughter would have the information and the chance to seek me out by requesting that I perform the autopsy on his remains. Young Miss MacCrae was in fact very helpful in the current situation to contain and deal with the nubbins that had escaped as she gave us the key piece to the puzzle that allowed us to realize that low temperature was the key to controlling their numbers._

_ From day one my fathers tenet of the Sanctuary and it has remained as Ive built it up was to help abnormals throughout the world and give them a place where they would be safe and not judged or dismissed, feared for who and what they are and though this most current situation resulted in such a loss of life of both human and abnormal I am rewarded in the knowledge that we accomplished what we set out to do and it serves as a reminder to me just how vital that we continue in our resolve and our beliefs to protect the world from the abnormals and protect them from the world. My hope of course is that one day both races maybe able to live together peacefully on the planet and that fear and ignorance will not one day reignfor now however we can do nothing but push on much as we have since the founding of the network._

Setting her pen and the journal aside Helen Magnus picked up her juice and turned her head to look at the fire lost in thought, so much had changed in those years when shed been so naveso thinking that just her understanding or her desire for their safety could change the world and then the experiments with The Fiveyes so much had changed since then.


	6. Chapter 6

[The Five]

Helen Magnus carefully pulled the blankets up over her daughters shoulders in the hotel room they were staying in before they returned home tomorrow, it was late at night and she and Ashley had barely spoken since Johns opportune arrival saving her from Nikolas diabolical plans. Softly brushing the blonde hair back she gently leaned down and kissed her cheek whispering softly how much she loved her, not loud enough to wake the girl and then turned going to her bag and pulled out her private log. Pouring herself a fresh cup of tea from the lukewarm pot nearby she headed out onto the balcony and took a moment to settle herself in the cool night breeze that was blowing over Rome, this was such a beautiful city and yet shed taken it for grantedshed taken so much for granted.

_Its not often that my thoughts are as disjointed as they are this evening on the eve of what should have been a simple attendance at a conference that had been planned for over a year and yet somehow so much had happened. History coming back to haunt me, Ashley finding out the truth of that history and not by my hands, back home the Sanctuary fighting its own battles including dear Henry who as I suspected has started to experience more full scale transformative episodes._

Pausing in her writing the woman had to take a moment, so much to say, to write to help focus her thoughts and calm her mindcalm her soul. Shed thought so much that the past was the past and perhaps she would not have to face it, at least not for a while and yet here it was hitting her fully in the facefully in the soul and it was killing her, slowly killing her.

_Due to the nature of my work and my history it is rare that I appear in public and when I do it is either for a field operation where my expertise is needed or to make contact with an established contact within the network. In those rare instances when I attend conferences or lectures I am always more careful than normal however this time my care seems to have been in vain. This was supposed to be a simple attendance to give a lecture on abnormals and the skills needed in a preliminary diagnosis however someone from my past sought to make an appearance and not merely to say hello._

_ Back at Oxford during the time of the group of us that called ourselves The Five inventor and scientist Nikola Tesla was a truly fascinating man, arrogant and a royal pain in the hindquarters more often than not however his brilliance was far reaching and his desire for knowledge was equally to my own in many ways. Why I admit there were times and there still are times when he can get my skin on edge there is no denying his brilliance and his ego to match. Out of the five of us Nikola and myself are the most alike, though it pains me greatly to admit that. Both scientists, both seeking the future, and both of us more than used to making personal and professional sacrifices to further our goalshowever it was always the actions to get to those goals where he and I shared a great difference of opinion and time has unfortunately or perhaps fortunately only strengthened that resolve._

_ The injection of the source blood all those decades ago resulted in each of us receiving a special gift and whereas each one was unique and magnificent, fascinating even in this day and age and after all this time by far Teslas was the most dramatic. Dormant vampire genetics that we had no idea he possessed and that lay dormant in his DNA were activated increasing a great many of his abilities including rapid healing, a thirst for blood that unfortunately took us many years to combat effectively, the ability to turn himself into a sanguine vampiris at will and a strong desire that has survived all this to see his ancestors race reborn and once again risen to power._

Again pausing for a moment in her writing Helen took a sip of her tea and was interrupted by her cell phone. Taking it out she spoke to Will overseas about several issues including the various patients she had waiting for her when she returned home tomorrow, her staff were more than capable so she was overall pleased with their treatment during her absence but she would be sure when she returned to the US. Finally ending the call she took a slow deep breath to allow herself to think before she picked up her journal and her pen to resume her writing glad a full moon was over the city tonight or it would have been impossible to do outside.

_Nikolas appearance at the conference during my lecture assuring me that I was in imminent danger turned out to be a less than truthful statement; however I cannot at this time even feign surprise at his dishonesty with mehes never been an overly honest man but it does not change the fact he is a dear friend so of course if he needed or wanted my help I felt at least compelled to hear him out. Little did I know just how dangerous and disastrous his goals would wind up being?_

_ As if his presence wasnt enough of a threat to my resolve a newly acquired enemy also showed up and I was led to believe they were after me, my previous experience with the Cabal (cult Cabalas Nocturnus) more than led me to believe that was possible, only to come and find out that they were after Tesla and for a very good reason. The Cabal have convinced me however that they are enough to be more than a serious threat to my work, I must remember to alert the other heads of houses to start gathering whatever active intelligence they can on this organization._

_ Tesla and I were able to elude their retrieval team by playing a rather dangerous and exhausting game of cat and mouse in some catacombs under the city but it was not overall fun and it resulted in me learning of the mans true purpose and desire to recreate his raceif not for Ashley and Johns timely appearance I hold little doubt that I may either be dead or bent to his will at the moment; neither an appealing prospect._

_ Why I am confidant that I have not heard the last of Nikola or his desire for an army of vampires to enslave the human population again I did not have time to think on that fact as I was soon confronted with not only the fact that my former fianc saved my life but also that our daughter had learned the truth. I never meant to hurt Ashley and I always planned to tell her one-day but it appears that day is not to come for me. At the moment she is not speaking with me despite our feelings of relief that neither of us is dead and both are safe for now. Im confidant in time that my daughter will understand why I hid the truth from herit was in an effort to spare her pain; and perhaps not only her. To learn that her father was the original man known as Jack the Ripper and that I never shared that knowledge with herwell Ashley has more than enough cause to be upset with me. Over and over and over Ive put our work, this world above her and her needs and this current situation proves it yet again, my own fear of the truth kept me keeping the most important secret she should have known from Ashley and I can only hope given enough time she will forgive me and perhaps one day understand. I would gladly sacrifice my own life to spare her pain, spare her a moments heartache and yet I fear Ive never told her that honestly as I told her after my rescue, I have a great deal to make up; especially to her._

_ And Johndear sweet John, the man who has sacrificed so much and who more than anything I desire to help for well over a century now. Perhaps it would be easier if I could simply look at him and see the monster that his power drove him to become, if I could close my eyes and see only the murders he committed or the other atrocities, but I cannot. When I close my eyes I see the kind, gentle, caring and funny man who was so supportive in the early daysat times even more so than my father when I wanted to pursue his work. There were so many nights when I would talk his ear off Im sure and yet he never complained, he never once asked me to stop and even now with the monster he is or was, since I understand Nikolas shock torture from what Ashley told me have cured him for the moment, I cannot help but see the man I fell in love. Im solely responsible for his fate, my own desire to help him made me give him my blood all those decades ago in hopes of trying to cure him and yet it has condemned him to decades and decades of tortureI am responsible for every crime he has ever committed and yet a part of me cannot be disappointed that he has survived with me. Someday, somehow I will find a way to cure him of the madness that consumes himI will find the answer, I only hope some part of the man I love is still there when I do._

Carefully setting aside the items the older man was overcome with the desire to go inside for the moment and smiled at the sight of her daughter, she was still asleep but despite her trying to talk to Ashley about her tossing and turning over the years she still always managed to kick the covers off. Going over Helen carefully gathered them up and tucked her daughter in again; she did not wish her to catch a chill. Sitting and watching her for a few moments the woman went back out to the porch to finish her log so she could go back to her vigil to watch over her babymake sure she was safe.

_Ashley and I return to the US tomorrow and from what I have learned they have had their hands full, apparently one of the artifacts I retrieved on an expedition a few weeks ago hatched and a creature escapeda giant lizard creature but I cannot make a speculation on its species until I have a chance to examine him or her myself. It ran through the Sanctuary causing several injuries and it was finally Henry and his Lycan persona that managed to stop it and save my young protgs life in the process. My conversation with Will have convinced me perhaps something more happened than he told me but I trust my staff that they will alert me to any issues that may require my attentioneither way however it appears I have a few patients waiting for me upon my return._

With that final period Helen Magnus closed her log and got up slowly picking up her tea, closing her eyes a moment letting the soft breeze over the city wash over her the woman headed back inside to sit with her daughtereven if Ashley knew she wasnt doing it of course.


	7. Chapter 7

[Edward]

After leaving Henrys room more than personally relieved that he had changed his mind Helen Magnus went back downstairs to clean up the OR shed had prepared and then spoke with a few patients before retreating toward a spare room that she had beautifully decorated, it was rare she had a drink a real drink but tonight just felt like the night. So much had happened that she wanted not only a little privacy but also some time to just compose her thoughts. Making sure that the big fella knew where she was should an emergency came up as well as a radio was nearby the woman got the fire going and then poured herself a small glass of wine and went to sit down in one of the lounge chairs with her journal.

_Why I am deeply rewarded in how the Sanctuary managed to aid a family with two beyond special children with some of the most amazing abilities I have ever seen (the ability to draw and see beyond what is normally seen) I am also personally rewarded in the ways that two of my staff have grown despite the adversity facing them._

_ My reasons for not sharing with my own daughter the secrets of her origins hardly matter now, they were purely selfish on my part and were laced with nothing more than my own fear at seeing the look in Ashleys eyes. At this moment I have to wonder who is the bigger monster to her, her father or me. Im confidant that given enough time she will understand my reasons for keeping the secret from her and she will forgive me however she was right with what little we spoke about the events, the truth should have come from me and not from John regardless of the reasons. I should have told her long, long ago and yet I did not. There is nothing I will not do for her to keep her safe, keep her happy and yet the one thing I should have done I failed atmiserably I fear, I only hope I get the chance to do better in the future._

_ I cannot fathom the level of pain and confusion Ashley must be going through and though my desire is to be there, to ease her suffering I fear I am the last one she needs at this moment. She and I have rarely spoken since our return flight and her anger with me is clear, more than that however I understand her feelings and I am more than willing to accept them. The nature of our work has forced her to be less involved in the world outside of the Sanctuary as she could and perhaps should have been, and though I know she loves this world and what we do I cannot help feel that even with my lies I have stole things from hertime, experiences, understanding about her father even. These are things she can never regain and why I try to argue with myself that it was for the best, that I thought I was doing the best to protect her the truth is that it was not my decision to make, I should have been honest with her from the beginning and supported her choices instead of taking those choices out of her hands._

_ While this past situation gave my daughter and I an opportunity to dwell on my mistakes and our future it also allowed my technology and security man, Henry Foss, who is like a son to me in many, many ways to face his own demons. Just a few days ago this young man was confronted with the truth of what he was becoming, Ive watched him grow and expand in so many ways since the frightened young abnormal I rescued from the Moors and yet I fear I did not prepare him well enough for this day._

_ My other child though not born of my womb is every bit as much my son as any child could be, I have raised him for a very long time and he has surpassed even my wildest dreams. He had not only grown and become a trusted colleague and a confidant in many areas but he is also a dear friend and I would do anything. Over the past several years since rescuing him after the death of his family he and I have talked extensively about what the future may hold for him and his Lycan (wolf) persona as it started to become more out front and demanding more focus and attention. Though he has embraced enough to learn some control there is still a level of fear within him about who and what he has become, my own conversation with him just a day or so ago in the library upon my return from Rome proves that. It was with a heavy heart that following his latest examination I offered the surgical option that could in theory remove that part of his physiology and keep him human full time, however as I explained to him it carried with it some great risks and as his mother and his friend I found myself for one of only a few times hoping he decided against my suggestion._

_ Why Henry eventually came to the conclusion that he wanted to accept and explore his Lycan persona I cant help but realize that despite my desires to protect my children, as any mother has I am positive, my intentions have fallen short of the mark. In the same week both Ashley and Henry are dealing with truths that I should have prepared them better forshould have been there for. I have to question what type of mother that makes me to have let not one but both of my children down in only a few days of each other._

You didnt let us down came the soft voices together?

Quickly Helen turned in her chair almost dropping the journal and blinked, Ashley, Henry seeing them standing right behind her, Whats

Henry Foss spoke first, Were sorry Doc, we didnt mean to read over your shoulder but we need to talk to you. We kind of talked to each other by accident and

Mom its important her daughter insisted.

Sighing she nodded, All right setting the journal and such aside. Please motioning them to have a seat.

Thanks Doc Foss answered taking a seat with Ashley beside him.

Within an hour Helen Magnus was pulling a blanket shed gone to get over the two bodies asleep on the sofa, theyd talked a lot and it had been a very welcome thing for her and for them as it turned out. Theyd finally fallen asleep, both of them and she wasnt going to disturb them. After seeing they were settled for the moment she went back over and got her journal to resume what shed been doing earlier.

_It seems that perhaps my belief about my parenting skills may have been erroneous at best, Henry and Ashley came to find me and we have been talking for over an hour. Though they are understandably still upset and a little angry at what I did or didnt do depending on the case they have made it clear they understood and they still love me. Of course I still love them, they can never do anything that could make me stop loving them in any formthey are family, my daughter and my son and they will always be close to my heart._

_ On many levels I find it somewhat ironic that which I spent over a century denying, getting close to anyone for fear I would end up alone because of my condition has turned out to be my greatest joy. I feel as if perhaps I have not been living before those I have allowed in entered my life, it was as if I only started breathing when they appeared and why Ashley and Henry are part of that the truth is that even my newest staff member, Will, is as much a part of it. I look at him as well and see so much wonder, so much potential and he is doing such a remarkable job. Ive shared secrets and parts of my past with him that not even I had thought about in a very, very, VERY long time yet it is so easy with himit is as if he knows me already._

_ Perhaps that is what family isyes I do believe it is precisely that. We may be odd in our own ways but we are family, each and every one of us._

Closing the journal the older woman sat it aside and picked up the glass of wine, looking at the fire a moment then turned her head to look at her kids and smiled a bit to herself, so long shed been alone only having casual acquaintances and yet these two had filled a void in her heart that she was sure would be open foreverand not just them but Will, Victor and so many others over time. It was true once they said, the true measure of a life wasnt in how much work you did but in how much you loved and were loved by others, at least she believed that.


	8. Chapter 8

[Requiem]

Carrying another cup of hot tea, she was still chilled to the bone and she didnt believe it was simply because of being soaking wet and exposed to death and liquid nitrogen even in close quarters, but also part of it was guilt and exhaustion. Despite it all however as she was making her way forward again Helen Magnus stopped carefully and sat the item down tugging the blanket more over her young protgs form, hed finally fallen asleep at her insistence that he needed to rest after all that had happened. Their joint experience had left them both with some minor injuries including the worst being from what she knew the concussion he had to be sporting which is why she would wake him up every hour. As she watched him a second, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the gentle way his face contorted and then settled she was also struck with more than that. Turning to retrieve an item from her bag nearby across from the bunks she picked up her tea and whispered a soft she was sorry and sleep well to the young man and then headed up back up front again

_The one thing that does not scare me in this world despite all the dangers that I face on a daily basis is deathin fact it would be welcome. As I told Will during our discussion earlier before everything disintegrated into chaos time has taught me not to get too close to people, Ive buried more than my fair share of those important to me and yet I always go onI contain. He told me just a little while ago that perhaps there was a reason for that, that my work wasnt done but I learned long, long ago that the work of the Sanctuarymy work would never be done. There may very well be a time when death does finally come for me and I have no fear of that, though I do not have a death wish as the mental health profession calls it today but I do have an appreciation for what it means, for what it would give me that time has seen fit to take away for so long. Why I would never willingly risk anothers life I must confess a part of me is jealous that I have cheated death yet again, perhaps as young Doctor Zimmerman stated there is a reason or perhaps it is just because my punishment for my naivety and my recklessness of youth so many decades ago. Life without end is a curse, it means a great many things including loneliness, isolation, and it means in no uncertain terms that I am a little less than human._

_ If Id only been faced with death and alone in this situation there is a very good chance I may have simply stayed down here and let it claim me, after all I have lived far longer than any human has a right to and to know I may never die is a pain almost too heavy to bareeven under my large shoulders as my daughter often tells me. Unfortunately the fact is that I was not alone down here, though perhaps my companion would say fortunately. I say unfortunately however not just for myself but for him, if circumstances had been just a little bit different, if he hadnt done what he did I would have easily killed myself and Will. He told me that the risk was worth it, that I was worth it and I have no doubts that to him and his logic patterns it was however putting him at continued risk was not. Fortunately Wills resolve and fortitude won the day for us however I have to confess to some doubt that if it had come to the choice between himself or me that he would have chosen to fight until his dying breath to try and save me. I admire his loyalty however loyalty can blind you if you admire someone too much and this is something I must address with him. My life or the chance to save my life at the expense of his is NEVER an acceptable option._

_ Hes so young, has so many more years to contribute to the world and to the expansion of knowledge. I look at him and I see so much, much as I do with Ashley or Henry and yet with this young man its different. Ive had many, many protgs over the years since I took over the Sanctuary network once my father disappeared however none have struck me with the possibility for the future, with the belief that things even in their most dire of circumstances would be ok. Its doubtful that Will even realizes what he brings to a situation, the wonder that comes through and the desire to understand and to nurture that which he is faced with. Hes come so far since that scared eight-year-old young man who lost his mother in such a horrific way. So many times over the years he could have let that situation, his past destroy him and thats not to say there werent a few stumbling blocks in his road along the journey but hes come out on the other side and Im proud of the young man hes become._

_ As proud as I am of him however that is as disappointed I am in my own behavior, yes perhaps it was not my fault as the creature that caused the destruction of the mer-folk in the area, however I cannot help feeling I should have fought harder and perhaps when I felt myself coming to the brink stopped myself if my young protg was unwilling to. To risk my life is one thing but even under the control of another creature to risk such an innocent life of a young man who honestly did not even want to come on this trip anyway is an unforgivable sin I fear I shall simply always regretone more in a long, long list of many I fear._

_ The creature though frozen now by liquid nitrogen and in a bio-hazard container until we return to the Sanctuary will teach us much, of this I have no doubt, however I will insure that proper precautions are taken this time so no one else at risk. Perhaps I should be upset with it for what it made me do and on some level I feel annoyance however it was only acting on instinct, on what it was created for and its desire of what it needed to survive. Never before have I laid blame on a creature for its instinctual behavior and I have no intention of starting now. Yes it is definitely a threat and must be kept tightly controlled and contained but to hate it for what it is means that all the work that I have sacrificed over a century for means nothinghumans or abnormals cannot be anything less than what they are, therefore I hold no malice toward it for what it forced me to do._

A few feet away my young protg and friend, the man who is every bit as much family to me even after this short time as Ashley or Henry are, sleeps at my insistence. My altered physiology make me less likely to feel the effects of the freezing water we were in while trying to make repairs or the fact that he was faced with death at my hands countless times plus the fact I gave him a concussion with the wrench when I was less that at my best plus Will was looking a bit tired when this trip started. Though I know the nightmares have gotten less since his coming to the Sanctuary I do know there are some nights he still has them and he will wander the halls at all hoursanother matter I must remember to speak with him about I fear. We are currently making our way back to San Juan and one of the first things I must insist on is that he is checked out thoroughly, I do not trust my memory or for him to be completely honest with me about what I may have subjected him to while the creature was inhabiting me and I do not to be surprised to find something has happened to him that I do not recall or wasnt expecting.

Nomom.

The soft voice made Helen look up from her journal where shed just finished and was closing it, her tea sitting nearby and she leaned back and to the side a bit finding Will Zimmerman tossing on the bunk fighting the blankets. His words made her sigh and she pushed her own blanket aside getting up. Carefully approaching him and reaching out to grip his hands stilling them gently in hers, WillWill its all right, youre safeits to be ok, I promise, the very same words shed spoken to him that night only she doubted he would remember, she only hoped they would have the same effect.

A/N: Feedback keeps me writing folks, though perhaps some of you are waiting on me to get caught up on the series. Im trying I swear, I should have started this back in season one. Anyways if you feel like feeding back its always welcome and I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes, theyre all mine unfortunately. J J


	9. Chapter 9

[Warriors]

Standing atop the North tower as she normally did when her thoughts were so chaotic watching out over her city, she thought of it as hers honestly for a great many years now and not because ego, pride, courage or heroism that anyone would and had guessed over the years nor was it because of the fact she and her staff protected the citythe world from the abnormal world but because shed sacrificed so much for it and yet it always asked for more. This time it had almost asked for more than she could give, it had almost taken a dear friend and a clone of her father. Ironic when one thought about it, here she hated the Cabal so much and yet on some level she owed them a debt as welltheyd brought her father back, at least in the short term. Clone or not Gregory Magnus was her father, shed spent time with him, knew him and he was the same man and even more so once they had that creature out of him.

Nearby on the edge of the parapet sat a tape recorder waiting for her insights for her journal, she rarely used that method preferring to just right however tonight she needed to be outside, needed to be focused on the city to try and clear her mind and her thoughts. One of the man skills shed perfected over the years was the ability to dictate and what she recorded would likely only take her a few moments to get down even in her graceful penmanship as Ashley called her. Normally Helen would not have done such a thing up here, especially not since her newest staff member joined as unlike the others he felt the responsibility and that he had permission to disturb her up here no matter what she was doing or thinking about and truthfully she didnt mind however tonight she knew that she would not be bothered.

_The Sanctuary once again rose to the occasion of defending not only the abnormal but the normal world from a threat only this time it was not from another creature but from an organization that at the time when we came across them a few months ago would insist on becoming a bit of a nuisance and a pain, well unfortunately it turns out my gut was correct and the Cabal are far worse than I feared. Their latest plan involved using homeless people and normal humans even as guinea pigs in their genetic experiments to begin the steps to create what I believe is some type of super abnormal and I fear that despite my orders to their staff to stop before we shut them down in the city that worldwide their progress will continueI have my staff and the network keeping an ear to the ground, hopefully this is one time when I will be wrong._

_ Unfortunately the Cabals recent activities not only troubled the world in unknown ways but also myself, again my young protg was violated and used against his will. Fortunately I was able to reverse the damage done however Im not sure it will be anytime soon that Will recovers from the emotional scars more than the physical ones. Im reminded of a saying someone told me once; who escapes my memory for the moment, that the knowledge one acquires will serve a person well however a little knowledge and a vivid imagination may just drive a person to have a few cups shy of a full tea service. Though I am confident that will not happen, at least in the long term, I cannot help but be concerned just how much longer he will doubt himself and his abilities._

_ On a much more personal note it fears that my past and I are also to remain folly for the Cabal and their nefarious purposes. No one was more shocked than I to find a live breathing Gregory Magnus waiting for us in the warehouse where we went to search for Wills friend and answer to our mystery. My fathers disappearance not only shattered me as a child, for he was and will remain a hero in my eyes, but it also forced me to step into his role as head of the then forming Sanctuary network. Ive thought countless times of what I may say to him, how I may come across him somehow in my work but the way we did cross paths was never, ever in my dreams or my nightmares even._

_ Part of me was relieved when the MRI and CT scans showed the creature that was imbedded at the base of his brain, controlling him and stopping him from seeing the truth. The idea that my father was alive, clone or not was and is irrelevant, and yet had no memory of me, the Sanctuary or his lifes work as well was almost more than I could bear. If it had been the result of some brain injury I would have been understandably upset but to just have him not remember and for a while not understand the reasonit hurt almost as much as the day I learned hed disappeared on that trip to Mecca._

_ As hard as this current situation was I must also express some pride in myself and my daughter, it is not often that I toot my own horn I believe is the current phrase however why I am confidant in my ability as a physician and a surgeon operating on ones own flesh and blood is never easy and to do it on a parent is almost as hard as doing so on your own child; another action I am never happy to perform but am frequently called on to do. A small part of me was filled with pride thinking that I at least got to show my father, whom I studied under for so long including surgery, how much I had mastered. It seems so very long ago and yet not long at the same time that I was only a child sitting in the middle of the floor anxiously reading whatever anatomy or medical books of his I could find. Despite mothers insistence that I focus on more appropriate endeavors I never let it sway me and father never let it sway him eitherinstead just answering my million and one questions with a soft voice and understanding and a desire for me to understand as well, though I am confidant I must have driven him a bit dololly now and then._

_ Ashleys behavior throughout this whole incident fills me with pride as not only her mother and her boss but also as a physician, she has been helping me out in my work as needed for a great many years now and yet today she showed a maturity and a compassion I have yet to see very often despite my insistence she grow up a little more. Instead of running head first into danger and start trying to bang a few Cabal heads together as she informed me earlier she was there when I needed her, was concerned for not only young Will who is still so new to this world but also to the man who is a clone of someone she thought shed never meet. Of course shes heard me speak about my father however she never expected to meet him, after all technically and all things being equal she should never have. Yet she has met him and she did it with grace, poise and respect despite what that creature was forcing him to do._

_ Why I feel perhaps on some level I owe a bit of a debt to the Cabal for bringing my father back to me, for doing what I convinced myself should not be done so very long ago, another part of me wishes to hurt themmake them pay for what they did and what they have put my father, Will, and countless others through in God only knows how many decades, years and more. For them to think that they have the right to decide what and how the abnormal world and the normal world should interact, to cause unprovoked violence, experimentation on innocent people and creatures is the most poignant slap in the face to me and my lifes work that I have ever known._

_ I do not know how, I do not know when but what I do know is that the Cabal will be forced to payI will make them stop if it is the very last thing I ever do!_

Reaching over Helen carefully shut off the recorder then pulled the shawl more around her arms, she heard soft footsteps against the gentle breeze blowing and smiled knowing without a doubt who it was, You should still be inside she found herself saying, Resting as I told you to do.

Yes well the owner of the other voice stated, I have other priorities at the momentlike checking on you for instance.

A/N: Feedback makes me happy folks, am I staying true to Helen you think or am I getting her wrong? I really wanna get her and the others and the situations right.


	10. Chapter 10

**[Instinct]**

Sitting in her office late that evening Doctor Helen Magnus looked up as her final cup of evening tea appeared and she smiled giving a soft nod of thanks to her manservant who merely grunted before turning to leave as silently as he'd come in. It was so hard for her to even think of how she had dealt with things before 'Victor' had come into her life, he wasn't just an employee but like her daughter, Henry and Will he was family to her…every bit as much as her father or mother had been and he was one of her oldest friends. Pausing in her writing to take a sip she smiled, it was made just the way she liked it and had to say a silent prayer than his tea making ability had been one of the areas that had improved over the previous years.

_Why my team were successful in capturing our latest resident who is a beyond fascinating species [see medical log code G78-01B-T], it came at an unbelievable cost. The intelligence we received was sketchy at best though I was confidant in our ability, why my confidence proved correct the civilian causalities were much higher than I would have liked including an entire S.W.A.T. police unit; I've sent Jim (chief of police) my personal apologies and reassurances that the creature that caused their deaths is secure._

_ Unfortunately the situation was exasperated by the presence of a local journalist and her cameraman. Why Miss Saunders, the journalist, survived the encounter unfortunately her cameraman was not so lucky nor was anyone else outside my team. I of course accept full responsibility for the deaths of the cameraman and the warehouse worker who was under my care before his passing, had I reacted differently or made different assumptions or treatment options I could have possibly saved one if not both of them._

_ Before his passing the cameraman made valuable footage of the 'creature' in his natural habitat and I feel the Sanctuary network would owe the young man a debt had he lived, I've got Henry looking to see if he had any family and if he does I will see that they receive an anonymous donation as a thank you for his sacrifice even though they will not know what it is for…hopefully a day will come when my work and my patients and staff can share our world with the normal world that exists outside these walls everyday. (NOTE: Bring up possible presence of Sanctuary cleared camera personnel on certain captures at next HoH meeting)._

_ As noble as the cameraman's sacrifice was I have to admit I am struck by the gall and naivety of the reporter, Miss Saunders, who arrived at the Sanctuary trying to make a rather 'appealing' case I must admit for us to return the hard drive that we confiscated from the camera after the young man's death. Of course no matter how appealing her argument I could not run the risk that she may not have been entirely honorable and I am sure by this time is less than impressed with me, ironically what makes her such a risk to our secrets will one day no doubt make her a wonderful journalist and I wish her a very illustrious career once she has done some 'growing' up._

_ Though the Intel we received on this particular abnormal that was being snuck into the country by the Cabal was sketchy it was overall truthful therefore I have instructed Ashley to see that the agreed upon price was paid, I am expecting her return momentarily. Will is making progress with our newest resident as best he can, he and I are having a short meeting after breakfast tomorrow morning to share our revelations. This mission though tragic also gave my computer/tech expert a chance to gain more field experience and though he still has a few 'rough' edges just as Will does they are both destined to become invaluable in the field, they are already assets and we could never have succeeded in our endeavor today without them both._

"Mom" came a voice.

Closing the journal Helen looked up and smiled at the sight, "Ashley, welcome home" setting it aside as her daughter came inside. "How did things go my dear?"

The girl yawned and flopped down on her mother's sofa, "Well enough, though I told him in the future he better have better Intel before we get in the thick of things…this one was too messy."


	11. Chapter 11

[Revelations Pt. 1 & 2]

_"I'd always known I'd outlive her, it was an almost certainty when I finally could stand the loneliness no longer and brought Ashley to term and yet somehow the years, the all too short years lulled me into a false sense of security and the belief she'd always be there. I can't imagine what my life was like before she came into it, and now she's gone. Oh I hold out hope that we'll find her, poor Henry and Will are wanting so badly to find her and yet I can't face the possibility of telling them that it may well be hopeless; that she may very well be gone forever._

Pausing in her writing to wipe the stray tears from her face and the one lone one that had fallen onto the journal that was open before her in her lap Helen Magnus took a slow, shaky deep breath and laid her head back against the headboard…against her daughter's headboard for a moment closing her eyes, seeing her face.

_Ashley brought so much to me, to the Sanctuary, to my entire life and the world and now the Cabal…the cursed Cabal are using her for God only knows what and it is my fault. All my instincts were to say no, to deny she and Henry's request to infiltrate the facility and try to stop Lazarus, yet I allowed myself to be swayed. The result is that now my daughter is the hands of the most dangerous organization that I've ever faced in my great many years and poor Henry though his medical tests all came back relatively clear I still am not entirely sure what they may have programmed him or subconsciously convinced him to do._

_ Almost as bad as possibly loosing my daughter to these…these 'monsters' is the death of James Watson; my closest confidant and friend over the past 150+ years. Throughout everything that has ever happened he has always been there, like a brother and more to me. I could not have started or organized the network into what it is today without his aid nor could I have survived all those years ago of loosing John to the madness that consumed him. He's been my rock in the hardest storms of time and yet now when I face the greatest challenge in my life, when his support and counsel as I fight to get my daughter back would be invaluable I am denied even that minor victory._

_ Faced with so much loss it is inevitable I suppose that my focus would turn to my two closest 'allies' though Will of course has expressed some 'concern' about their having free reign to come and go yet I need them and not just for their skills. John and Nikola may not get along at times with each other but each of them respects me enough and comes from a time that I am able to control them to a great degree…I an confidant that through perseverance I can prevent them from injuring each other and I need Tesla's aid in creating the cure for the Lazarus virus though as James's had said before our journey to Bhaalassam it is unlikely that the virus is the Cabal's plan and what they have done to Ashley is only proof that he was correct._

_ Though each of them pains for me I cannot help but notice that perhaps on some level John feels the loss as much as I do. As I look at him, listen to him speak and vow that he will get our daughter back, trying to convince me and himself of what may very well never happen I cannot help but realize how things could have been different. John and I were to be married, to have a family together and live normal life spans and yet our choices and decisions denied us the 'happily ever after' that we had planned on. So many regrets, for both of us and yet at the same time today as I watch him, look into his eyes I see parts of him that remind me so much of the man I loved…so much of the man that would have made Ashley a wonderful father, should have made him all those things and more and yet his pain is my fault as well as is Nikola's and James and Nigel's fates lay at my feet as well. All the pain and sorrow in Ashley's young life are also to rest solely on my shoulders…if I had only made different choices I could have spared so many so much pain and grief; including myself._

_ I would happily give my life if it meant that my daughter would be returned home safe and sound but I fear that perhaps the Cabal may ask for something I cannot give them. Though I maybe the head, the spirit as young Will calls me, of the Sanctuary network I am not the entire organization or the life. The Cabal cannot be allowed to succeed in their plans; my daughter would not want that. She had dedicated her young life to this world, from the first time I sparred with her on the mats or the first time she met Victor, young Ashley vowed to make sure no one hurt this world. My daughter's kidnapping at the hands of these 'monsters' may destroy me but I will not allow it to destroy all that she dedicated her short life to…not if at all possible. Ashley protected the Sanctuary Network and me for over twenty years and though it is devastating that we could not do the same for her I will not allow any sacrifice she has made be in vain!!!!!_

Carefully closing the journal and taking a deep breath, one lone tear rolled down the face of Doctor Helen Magnus and slowly turning her head one hand slid out and traced over the pillows on the other side of her, the pillows that only a few days ago had held her sleeping child and now served as the reminder of so many memories. "I'm so sorry Ashley."


	12. Chapter 12

[End Of Nights Pt. 1 & 2]

Not even able to force a grateful smile as the teacup and such was placed on the small table near her as she sat out on her balcony Helen Magnus knew her staff was worried about her…no staff wasn't right they were family and none more so than the grunting man before her. She simply looked up tiredly, the blanket from her daughter's room wrapped around her legs as the cool wind blew over the day, and gave him a nod of thanks though she really wasn't hungry yet he made sure she ate. He never tried to get her to talk or ask how she was doing and she was grateful for that. Once she was alone again she slowly opened the journal to resume what she had been doing, the tearstains dried over the page and took a shaky breath as she picked up the pen.

_Though the Sanctuary network was able to survive the Cabal's attempt to destroy us the cost was high, not just in terms of building materials or destroyed facilities but in personnel as well. There are a great many displaced residents, destruction to clean up, questions to answer and yet at this time I cannot find the energy or the desire within myself to face any of it; to deal with any of it. The Tokyo facility is gone and there are other levels of destruction at every other Sanctuary in the world including the one here that I call my home. Fortunately the one bit of good news is that Will Zimmerman is a much better leader than I had originally envisioned, though he comes to give me regular updates he is doing a marvelous job in his own right despite his personal loss as well in the attacks._

_ The Cabal's plans were carefully thought out and planned and apparently the network and myself have been a thorn in their side for a great many years, I'm troubled that I was not aware of the level of their threat sooner so that I could have possibly prepared better. Despite everything, the personal and professional losses however and the cost the Sanctuary network has survived and we will rebuild and continue on in our resolve and our mission. I've asked Henry to discreetly when he has time to confirm what the Cabal are up to now that their major plan has been defeated, so far as I know he's still gathering intelligence._

_ It is ironic in a way honestly, despite everything they forced my beloved daughter to do, the way they had her turn on me and everything she'd known in the end I cannot help but honor her sacrifice. Her loss feels like it left a hole in my heart that will never again be filled, not even by the endless time I face and yet in the end her choice…her word, single word and the look in her eyes was of my beautiful gift too young and taken from me. She made the choice to sacrifice herself in order to save me and her life's work as much as mine. They may have turned my little angel into a 'monster' and used my world to do it, but in the end her spirit prevailed, the Ashley I know and I will forever love shined through as I always knew she would. I'm saddened by her loss of course and as her mother I feel like a part of me died with her yet I also cannot help but feel pride for the sacrifice she made…Ashley was indeed a most honorable young lady and her life though short impacted the future and the whole world in ways that I am not even aware of yet._

A knock at the door interrupted her musings and she quickly closed the journal setting it aside. Picking up her tea she raised her voice enough to be heard inside and was not surprised it was Will, he'd said he would bring by an update and was a young man of his word. She could see the pain in his eyes and she wished like when he'd been eight and lost his mother she could have given him some insight, some word of encouragement but instead just gave a soft nod and an indication to the other chair to have a seat.

One he was gone she sat her barely touched tea aside and again picked up the journal to resume in her writing and musings…

_Will has just departed after one of his scheduled updates; he had a few of the estimates on the repairs to the various facilities including Beijing and London. Unfortunately it maybe months before we can have residents 'in house' again therefore I've told him to make what arrangements he can for those here, I've received several email reports and requests to house some of them here and we will accommodate all we can of course but we also only have so much room. I'm confidant in his abilities and leave the matter in his hands._

_ On a less than thrilling other note I fear that John's madness is again gripping him as he and Nikola have devised plans despite my reservations to go on what they are calling Intel gathering through Cabal contacts, yet I am confidant what it will turn into is revenge filled hateful killing sprees for the both of them. Why a part of me understands the desire and wishes that all, especially that Dana Whitcomb woman, especially would be put to the most painful death imaginable and I assure the universe I have quite the imagination; the truth is that it will accomplish nothing. It will not change what happened to Ashley or to the network and I cannot kill simple contacts who may have had no idea what they were aiding in. I have hopes that once they have a little time to calm down I maybe able to talk to them and convince them of the error of their ways but only time will tell for sure._

Feeling so exhausted and every bit her age Helen carefully closed the journal and sat it aside, it was midday or rather late afternoon and as the wind blew gently her eyes closed and she smiled. "I miss you so much my darling, I love you so much" she told the wind, the heavens, the universe and on some level she hoped her daughter.


	13. Chapter 13

[Eulogy]

It wasn't often that Helen Magnus would find a seldom used section of the Sanctuary grounds alone, she rarely had that type of free time and yet that is precisely what had drawn her to the small corner of grass near the facility's Northern most entrance. It wasn't very big but the presence of a small hedge hid her from view when she actually took a seat on the green grass. The last time she'd really sat on the grass to read or write had been back at Oxford unless it was in relation to a capture and yet she felt drawn to this area and the peace and quiet after all that had happened, to record and put her thoughts in order as she carefully laid pen to faded paper gently as she often did and her careful calligraphy type writing started to fill the page.

_I've suffered much loss in my life and that puts me in a unique position to confirm that the greatest loss I have ever known and that anyone may ever know is the loss of a child. My greatest fear in bringing Ashley into the world was that somehow or someday the monster that has consumed John for the past century and a half would injure or take her from me. Some would of course find it ironic that what actually took her from me was my own world and the work that I had no right to involve her in. At the same time however I cannot help but find solace in the fact that at the end it was the real Ashley that I shall always love that saved my life and our life's work. The pride I feel at her noble sacrifice cannot be measured._

_ Why I am trying to focus on the positive and the future of the rebuilding and the repairing that must be completed before I can safely say the network is again ready to resume our work, there is also a large piece of me that wishes I could accompany John and Nikola on their revenge mission against the Cabal. I'm loath to admit that my former fiancé was correct when he said there is a part of me that will be relieved when he tells me that Dana Whitcomb has paid with her life for what she did to our daughter. Inside I so wish for him to return her to me so I may do to her what she did to Ashley…experiment, terrify, torture, and use her ultimately to destroy everything dear in her life. Why I understand that perhaps that is not the correct feelings for a physician or a scientist and especially not for the head of the Sanctuary network, it is the correct feelings for a mother and that is what I shall always be too my beautiful daughter who sacrificed so much in her all too short life._

_ My staff and friends have been incredible through this entire situation and I confess if not for the steady support and the strong will and work given to me by Victor, Henry, Will and even the former Cabal renegade who saved my life (Kate Freelander), I would not be doing near as well as some think. Why each of them suffered their own losses, doubts, sadness and regrets over the situation they have also each risen remarkably to each demand that has been placed on their shoulders. [NOTE: I must remember to check on them each individually and see that I am more available to them to talk should they need to, I owe it to each of them at least.]_

_ As I was informed our visiting Dr. Li from the Beijing facility stated the Sanctuary network survived and though they are a great many losses to process, the work that Ashley, Clara, James, and so, so, so many others sacrificed themselves for will continue. We will all face the threat and the uncertainty of tomorrow never forgetting those who helped shape the future by their noble sacrifice. I personally honor and will remember each of them for all eternity._

"Magnus" came a voice over the radio interrupting her thoughts.

Closing the journal over the pen since she was finished for the moment the woman took a deep breath then pushed herself to her feet before unclipping the item from her belt and brought it up, "What is it Will" already heading back inside, sounding a bit more like herself but grieving and that was the first step in the process? She would survive loosing Ashley and maybe one day would even find the joy in this world again but for now she was a grieving mother who had demands she had to deal with in order to honor her daughter.


	14. Chapter 14

[Hero]

The one thing that rebuilding something that took over a century to originally build took from you when you tried to accomplish the task in months instead of years and decades was a lack of personal time. It seemed the last few months since the Cabal's attacks had flew by, thanks to John and Nikola the group was nowhere near as large a threat as they were before and she was grateful for that because honestly she had needed a little breathing room to focus and process so much. Finally now though a few months' later things were well on track and she had a few months to just sit quietly alone in her office with her tea and update a few mounds of paperwork. She'd done that for a few hours and not needed to focus her thoughts.

_Ethical dilemmas are no stranger to someone in the medical or healthcare profession as it is called today and why most people only have to live with their decisions for one lifetime I have been forced to live with mine for two. Many times since obtaining my degree(s) over the years I've been faced with what people call hard choices but I must confess I felt the pull particularly strongly with our superhero Walter and the abnormal 'suit' he was wearing. Why the mission of the Sanctuary is always to find a brilliant way to save both human and abnormal there are too many times that it comes down to a choice when one must choose and right or wrong that was the position I found myself in with our 'superhero/flying man'. _

_ Given enough time I am confidant 'we' would have come up with a way to save both Walter and the creature suit he was wearing that was giving him his abnormal abilities I was presented with the choice I had to make it. If not for his desire to not see the creatures destroyed the truth is they would be dead by my hand, the host would have been safe but millions/billions of those tiny creatures that were interacting on such a microscopic level that I could barely measure it would in fact cease to exist. When I informed my patient that we had come up with a way to save his life and what it would do to the creatures he was adamant that they not be killed, why I understood and as a scientist agreed with his resolve the truth was that a choice had to be made and it was in my hands to make it._

_ Perhaps it was Walter's simply statement in response to my belief that he was allowing the excitement to sway his decisions but he was right, I and my staff risk our lives everyday and like it or not; agree with it or not it was his life to do with as he pleased. I found myself wavering in my belief about what was right and wrong, did I have the right to make the decision of whose life was more important and yet that is precisely what I do every single day as head of the Sanctuary network and as a physician to both humans and abnormals? As I said originally ethical dilemmas are no stranger to physicians…myself most of all. Fortunately in the end Walter made the decision for me, but I was not going to let him die particularly after risking his life to save my team and I._

_ In addition to the 'superhero' situation my team and I also found ourselves dealing with the hatching of an abnormal my father encountered many decades ago but only in passing and stories. Fortunately despite it's aggressive nature we were able to capture it after a search but it resulted in many injuries to my personnel and the loss of at least one civilian who had the unfortunate luck to stumble upon the recently hatched egg when a new building site was being excavated. Why I was busy at the Sanctuary Will and the interim head of the London facility, Declan McCrae who volunteered to come over and help us out why the repairs to his facility were being done made a rather impressive pair though I fear they are still a bit upset that Walter managed to get the upper hand in their few encounters…still it all worked out in the end I suppose as the saying goes._

_ On another matter though I did not 'approach' this directly when I found out about it appears I may have misjudged on some level the former renegade operative for the Cabal that we came across several months ago; Kate Freelander. Why I admit that our initial meeting did not go as well as I had hoped the truth is she is much more morally challenging and has a deeper history than I originally thought. Though I am disturbed that she was able to gain complete access to the Sanctuary systems and had 'strangers' in my home and in my work, particularly the likes of Mr. Constantine and his associates as well as her brother, I admit I am impressed with her level of knowledge in only a short time plus her abilities and the ultimate decision she came to regarding protecting her family. Why of course I am upset that she fed someone to one of my patients without authorization, they are not here for that, it does perhaps give me a deeper understanding of how she got involved with the Cabal in the first place and why she may have stayed with them as long as she did…abnormal or human, we protect our own as best we can and I can hardly fault Kate for doing the same; though I must discuss proper protocol with her at length VERY soon!!! For now I have asked Henry to move her things to more permanent quarters and though she has valuable skills at this point she also requires extensive training on the Sanctuary and the 'way' we do things but I am confidant she will become a valuable ally and perhaps…someday a dear friend._

Closing the journal for the moment and placing her pen back in the holder, a gift from James when she graduated Oxford finally…it was a beautiful set and she only used it in the journal writing and for private correspondence. No one really wrote anything anymore and as Helen took a small sip of her tea a smile pulled at her lips, writing like manners and proper use of the Queen's English was an almost forgotten art but it was skills that she relief on in order to preserve her own sanity and her soul in ways that likely no one but someone form her time would understand.


	15. Chapter 15

[Pavor Nocturnus]

"Thank you" Helen Magnus told the young abnormal who had just finished a meeting with her and smiled as he 'slithered/walked' off toward the door and then out it. Closing the file on her desk and moving it aside the woman sat back in her chair and brought a hand up and back to rub her neck just under her hairline, it was late and she'd been going non-stop trying to get caught up and such since she'd been back. As expected Will and her staff had done a remarkable job, they were truly to be commended and she would tell them so at tomorrow's staff meeting but for now she couldn't get the trip out of her head. Turning in her chair after dropping her hand she picked up the familiar item from a drawer and scooted closer to her desk.

_No human being was meant to live over one lifetime, yet I've lived almost three now. There's no way to know how many more I may live. Perhaps many would say that I was unique in my ability to cope and that it is to be admired though I not so sure. The sacrifices I've had to endure for my own arrogance and naivety back before we all injected the 'source' blood are more far-reaching than someone could hope to experience in an all existence. Perhaps that's why I feel so responsible for and tolerant of those of us left of the original 'Five'; unlike the others my mistakes are not merely my own but they turned all of us. I am solely responsible for what has happened to my daughter, my former fiancé, Nikola, Clara, Nigel, James and so, so, so many more. Any good I may have done in my very long lifetime or any I may do in the future will never make up for the mistakes I made so very long ago._

_ My personal research into the Mayan civilization may have very well given me the cure to my longevity, though in the end it was again taken from my grasp. I'm grateful that the hallucination/vision, or whatever one tends to call it prevented me from making a mistake that may very well have doomed all humanity. As much as I desire to change my 'personal' circumstances I cannot and will not allow it to happen at the expense of the entire planet or every normal human on this Earth. I'm sure if my young though very insightful protégé knew of the real reason for my trip and my personal thoughts he'd have some very interesting theories to share._

_ Will would no doubt tell me that my feelings are normal, that the reason I went in search of the ancient temple was also normal. That I've just recently lost the most important thing in my world and that is true and yet how can I also not argue back that I've earned this. Even before everything that happened with Ashley I more than perhaps anyone unless it is John and Nikola now have earned the right to be at peace and yet it is to be denied me again and again. How can I make someone else understand the pain I experience every single day just waking up knowing that likely I'll always see tomorrow despite what may or may not happen?_

_ He told me last year after saving my life that perhaps I should realize there is a reason I am still here…still alive when so many others are gone. The truth is he maybe right, I don't know. What I do know is that eternity holds a very different meaning when you are faced with the reality of living it no matter what may come. The one thing I am most assured of is that whether there is a purpose for it or not longevity maybe a gift but it is also a curse. It means isolation, loneliness, sacrifice and it means being less than human._

Helen's thoughts were interrupted by the power going out and she quickly looked up into the darkness as the power suddenly came back on, there was no storm outside so what was going on. Putting the pen down and closing the journal she turned to pick up her radio, "Henry" already scooting her chair back, "Come in."


	16. Chapter 16

[Fragments]

After checking on a couple of her patients and then doing some work in the lab Helen Magnus headed back to her office but took a detour to speak with someone. When she was finished she finally arrived back in her study and got a fire going, it was about lunchtime as proven by the fact that her stomach growled a bit and it was a reminder as well that Victor would be arriving soon with her tray. He always took such great care of her; she could not imagine how she had functioned for so long without him honestly. Deciding to do some writing to clear her mind and relax she soon settled on one corner of the loveseat staring at the fire a moment before laying pen to paper.

_Love and the actions associated with the act are forever going to be one of the universe's greatest mysteries. Despite anyone's best intentions to not allow the emotion it comes in with very little warning and captures you before you're even aware of what has happened. It is also one of the forces that transcend the normal/abnormal void in the world and it does it so easily._

_ The latest situation faced by my staff and myself, though it did not result in death(s), it did result in physical and emotional injury for several people including the young man who is like a son to me. All the staff I've had and may have over the years are/will be important to me, but not in the way that Henry Foss is. Still so young and so naïve about some things I have also never met someone filled with more compassion, desire, and love than him. Just his mere presence since we brought him into the Sanctuary has sustained me through some of the most difficult and trying times of my life. As he was raised with Ashley almost like her brother, they together would so often remind me that there was more to life than work. I can remember so fondly the long talks we would have about his childhood, his lycan family, the tragedy that brought him here; his learning to read or how to talk and interact on a human level, the first time he even took a bath was an adventure in and of itself. I don't think that this extraordinary young man that I happily call son realizes just how very special he is or how much he's accomplished. I could be no more proud of him or love him anymore if he'd been born of my loins. Henry is a remarkable young man, whom I am most confidant will change the world in ways even I am unaware of._

_ Unfortunately the current situation with the private researchers who work with the network, Rachel and Gerald, is precisely why I hired someone with Will's skill set and talents. Perhaps he could have seen or predicted what I could not, though I am confidant that he would say something like I need to 'cut myself some slack'. Perhaps true the fact is that with as wide ranging the network is today as opposed to my father's original vision it would be impossible for me to stay on top of everything and everyone personally; though I do my best to try. Still I've set aside a time for Will and I to discuss meetings and counseling sessions possible for the private researchers employed globally by the network. Hopefully we may prevent a situation like this again, though I fear there is little hope of that seeing as how humans and abnormals have free will and things can come up in short order. I fear as well that Rachel and Henry's physical recovery maybe far easier than the emotional one._

_ One bit of good news that may have resulted from this boiling pot of disaster is that Gerald's poisoning of 'Jack's' food supply proved Rachel's theory in regards to the fungus and the Plexidarus species. I take some solace in the fact that I assume to a degree that the Plexi is not as aggressive or dangerous if they are kept away from the plant. Why I am optimistic that this may/will one day allow us to help the entire species become more socialized, I am also cannot ignore the fact that Rachel was attacked and almost killed by the 'creature' she was studying and working with; even if it wasn't totally his fault or by choice. Nor can I ignore the fact she has become too emotionally involved with 'Jack'. Why the network will continue the research she began I am left with no choice but to deny her request to resume her research with him. 'Jack' will remain at the Sanctuary until I can make arrangements to have him transferred to a facility closer to his natural habitat. Though I understand that perhaps some may see this as punishment it is intended to give us a chance to re-evaluate our procedures for allowing dangerous abnormals outside of our walls for research and also to take him away from what turned out to be a hindrance to his possible emotional well-being._

"You're denying my request."

The voice made the black haired woman look up and she wasn't surprised to see who it was and that she was less than happy though she'd told her to rest today, still slowly Helen closed the journal and sat it aside, "Rachel, please come in…have a seat."


	17. Chapter 17

[Veritas]

Despite the fact that Helen Magnus ever was 'ill' enough to stay in her own infirmary the facts were that her presence at the moment allowed her a rare opportunity to just rest her staff also needed to see her taking it easy. It had been hard on all them this latest situation, many of them more so than her especially Will, Henry and Kate. Of course there had been no other choice she could think of, still late that evening as she gently accepted her journal from Victor, who she offered a soft smile in understanding and relief that he was all right, the woman glanced around the room. There was no one else officially 'in residence' in the infirmary or recovery area however she was hardly alone. On a gurney to her left the young man who was like a son to her lay sprawled out covered up by her manservant who removed his computer tablet and sat it aside. To her right the newest member of the Sanctuary; Kate Freelander was in a similar position though she was sure the music that she could hear blaring in her ears even through those silly headphone things that she was wearing. At the foot of the bed sitting forward stretched across her legs with his face nuzzled up against her covered foot her young protégé, William Zimmerman slept having nodded off about a half hour after Henry had mid discussion they were having. ~His back will feel like he needs traction in the morning~ she thought settling back giving Victor a nod to make her a fresh cup of tea. As she settled back the older woman got comfortable and took one more look around at her 'family' as odd as they were at times, her daughter's presence not missed by her, and she realized that perhaps she should have woken them all up and sent them to bed but still she wasn't going to do that…she needed, wanted them there as much as they needed and wanted to be.

_I must say that from a personal standpoint I am more than relieved this current situation is over, though it was my plan and my idea it was very risky and very trying on not only myself but my entire staff. The physical and emotional toll they all went through pains me to the core but I had no other option; to allow Emma, to remain within the network and grow in power and popularity while working against our goals was just not something I could allow to continue unchecked. Part of me had hoped that my suspicions would be proven wrong, that this would all have been a waste of time; though unfortunately it has not._

_ The success however laid not with me or even Victor for his part in this but with my staff, I do not believe if I did not trust them and know them so well this would have ever worked. Why it pains me inside to think of what Henry and even young Kate, who I am still feeling out my relationship with, the truth is the one I am most worried about is my protégé. I'm confidant and was proven correct that Will could handle it and his insights and realizations, his knowing me as well as he does proved victorious as I knew they would be and yet I also know that the bridge of our relationship and friendship has been damaged if only slightly and must be repaired. Logically I am positive he understands my reasons, he realizes what was at stake and yet I can see in his eyes his confusion and regret that I did not bring my concerns over Emma to him; which given his job description within the network would have been the proper course. However as I explained to him had I do that she would have easily read his thoughts and this would not have worked and I could hardly do to him what I did to myself otherwise it would not have worked. No it had to go this way despite his insistence we could have found another way._

_ I must also commend Declan McCrae for his part of this; perhaps next to Will and Henry from an emotional point, he had the hardest position of all. He and Will had some personality issues which I will address with each of them but the truth is that both acted correctly though in truth with more experience taking over this facility would and should have fallen to Will when I was incapacitated even for a short term. However Declan also knew he wasn't ready, he was correct when he told the young man that he had no idea the political landscape that was facing him without me in the middle of the situation. Not everyone within the network is happy with the way I run things; it's an inevitable issue with any leader and yet I handle it in a rather unique way and I've got markers that my young staff have not yet acquired._

_ Fortunately through the perseverance of my team and friends things worked out and I did not have to use the insurance policy with Victor I set up, though I do have to say that I personally hope this is a situation that never comes up again for any reason. Even though it was faked I will forever remember the image and the actions that I shot and killed my dearest friend in all the world, Victor and I have been together almost fifty-nine years now but the truth is he is my dearest friend and my confidant. I could not have accomplished half of what I've done in that time without him and I trust no one more with my life than him; he has earned that respect a hundred times over in only that short time and I need to make it a point that he knows it…that all of my staff particularly after this, all my family understand how vital they are not only to the network but to me. _

_ I count on each and every one of them for my very life and my existence and I make unbelievable demands on each of them, yet they have never wavered in their resolve or their devotion. This year has been a great year of loss and mourning for me personally but as I look into the faces of each of the young people who comprise my family and friends, my 'team' I'm reminded that I am indeed a very lucky lady._

The feel of shifting at her feet made Helen close the journal and look down to see her young protégé had shifted a bit, he was now hugging her legs and she had to smile shaking her head. Turning to look at Kate then over at Henry she smiled gently to herself, "I am indeed very lucky."


	18. Chapter 18

[Next Tuesday]

Dr. Helen Magnus was more than relieved that the private helicopter had seen the explosion and radioed the Coast Guard to get her and Will out of that oilrig, she was required to call in a favor to cover the story they gave them but now they were back aboard the plane heading back to Washington. Another retrieval team was on their way out to capture the squid and she found it somewhat ironic that it normally was the missions she thought were no trouble and easy that resulted in causing the biggest problems and this time was no different. For now she stopped on her way back toward her seat with her fresh cup of tea, she was still a bit chilled even from the warm water and the adrenaline wearing off from their ordeal, to look down and carefully pulled the blanket more over her young protg and dear friend as he slept. Hed nodded off a little while ago and shed gotten his vitals and such just to be sure herself he was ok, after all this was her fault. After making sure he was all right and tucked in she went back to sit down and carefully crossed her legs pulling her laptop over, she tried not to really write by hand when aboard a plane even hers because turbulence had taught her many times it could crop up with little warningshed transcribe it into her journal when she got home in short order.

_Im often reminded how it is normally the easiest missions or those that are supposed to be that cause me the most difficulty over the years, you would think after this many years I would have learned the lesson by now and yet I have not. It was supposed to be a simply retrieval of the mutated vampire squid and then Will and I would get it home and wed have spent several days doing testing and communicating with it, of course nothing goes as planned however. I cant help but blame myself for not only putting my young colleague in danger but for not having all the information on the species and the area to prevent the situation in the first place._

_ However guilt will do little to change the situation, I am simply grateful that neither of us or the abnormal was injured severely though I cannot be sure of the latter until the retrieval team returns both the squid and the sea scorpion to the Sanctuary. My biggest amount of guilt is how I treated Will during this situation, of course when he learned the truth he was quick to side with me and say I was right however Im afraid hes mistaken about that. Helping me to deal with thewith the loss I feel so keenly as Tuesday approaches is not his job, I had no right to interfere in his life and his desire for companionship when hed lost someone close to him in the attacks as well. Of course I could and did rationalize it to myself that I had need of him but there were countless others I could have called or I could have gone on the capture myself, I could have even given Kate a few lessons enough to scuba dive and aid me but no I wanted Will to remain with me._

Pausing in her writing the woman lifted her eyes as she heard a voice and slowly moved the laptop aside. Getting up she headed up front a bit and knelt down seeing the young man tossing and turning a bit, mumbling and she carefully knelt down laying a soft hand on his shoulder, ShhhWill its all right, its okthats it, settle down wishing she could take these nightmares away from him. Every since hed come to the Sanctuary they had gotten less but during times of stress when it was quiet enough for her to notice the nightmare of his mothers death still haunted him. Staying like that for a few moments Helen nodded gently and softly kissed his cheek whispering to him again then got up, tucked him and went back to the area to work but kept her ears open incase he needed her.

_Ive had protgs, colleagues, friends, associates over the years but I must confess I feel closer to this young man more than any other, not feelings of sexual tension of course though he is a very handsome young man but I see the future in his face. I look at him and I see the possibilities, the desire for understanding and more but I see humanitythe real humanity behind his eyes and it gives me such hope and belief for the future. Hes become more than my protg however, hes also a dear friend. Ever since that first time I laid eyes on him, when he was merely eight and his mother was killed in front of his eyes, Id known he was someone special and hes surpassed all my hopes and desires. Will challenges me, keeps me on the right path in ways no one has ever done before unless perhaps it was my father so many, many, many years ago. Thats why I wished him to remain and help me focus and deal with the emotions that are threatening to overwhelm me; however I cannot help but wish Id been able to just honestly ask him. Knowing him as I do Im confidant that he would have chosen to remain simply because I asked him to._

_ As time passes I know from experience that I will never forget Ashley or her sacrifice but it will get a bit easier to live with, the grief and the pain will become part of me instead of threatening to overwhelm me and yet the idea of celebrating her birthday without her takes me to the edge of a precipice I cannot be sure Ill walk away successfully without help. My daughter and I always made her birthday so special, of course she insisted on trying to do the same to me but after 150+ of them that was hardly necessary, still she and I had a good time on hers. Wed gone on shopping trips, out to lunch, even captures as she got older which she had always wantedthere was one trip to Paris for a fashion show when she was fourteen that was a wonderful time. She was never much for fancy clothes but Paris brings out every little girls fantasies even Ashleyswe had a great time together as mother and daughter._

Before she could type anymore a voice made her look over and she was surprised to see Will sitting up rubbing his face, Will closing the item and moving it aside, I thought youd

No Im good rubbing his face. Listen Magnus I was thinking, when we get home why dont we make plans to go out to dinner and celebrate Ashleys birthday on Tuesday? We can go to a play or something she would have liked to do then go to a restaurant the two of you liked, you can tell me all about her. After all pushing the blanket aside, I only knew her a little while, Id like to learn more about her and the special person she is.

Helen Magnus smiled picking up her tea, Id like that Will, thank you. Would you like a cup of tea seeing him rising?

He nodded, Sure if you dont mind, I need to use the restroom then Ill be back. And Magnus stopping and Will turned to face her, Listen Im honored to share this experience with you. Even though it didnt go off like we planned it was way better than room service in Iceland and smiled.


	19. Chapter 19

[Penance]

After her rounds that evening Helen Magnus found herself not in her office or the lab but in her bedroom then found herself with her journal and a hot cup of tea and some scones in the tub in her bathroom, normally the woman took showers not having time even with as little as she slept to indulge in a bath and yet today it felt like her body just had demands that she had to indulge in. Taking a few moments to relax into the water, to just let her mind clear from all the activities of the day the woman soon was settled enough and had her thoughts focused enough that she laid pen carefully to paper.

_Though the latest situation faced by my staff and myself ended as well as we could have expected I must confess I am saddened at the loss of Jimmy. He and I had not known each other very long but he was a young man who had it within him to greatly affect the world. I can still remember the look on his face when he and I first met on the subway platform in Chicago, the fear and hatred even in his eyes as he realized the gang had lied to him. Like so many young people; particularly those with abnormal abilities, he was exploited, used and asked to put his life on the line for lies. Fortunately he also was a very special young man with a remarkable conscious. Over the years hed become a dear friend, not just because of what he could or could not do but of who he was and the spirit that was within him. I only wish Id been able to prevent his demise even if it was by his own choice and his own hand, at least he has the knowledge that his sacrifice saved the lives of myself, my team and the elemental._

_ On the same and yet different note I am faced with someone almost the same in young Miss Kate Freelander. She and I have never really spent any one on one time together, our reason for meeting such a short time ago saw neither of us at our best however her shoulder injury and what happened plus her familys history with James resulted in my having a little time to talk with her one on one while I was taking care of her and I have to say she is actually a rather remarkable young woman. Like so many others she has a deeply troubled and yet fascinating history from what little we spoke however her soul also carries hope despite what shes experienced at the hands of herself and the Cabal. Unfortunately she is also troubled, I must confess I want to recommend she speak with Will as that is his position yet somehow I got the feeling from her that may not be received well therefore I have made it clear to her that my door is open should she want to talk and I find myself hoping shell use it. I really would like to learn more about her and I do find myself realizing that she could become a close friend as well given the time and effort on both of our parts._

_ As hard and troubling as this situation was on a great many levels I have to confess that next to the loss of James, though he is at peace now so perhaps I can find some solace in that at some point, Will being injured again worries me. Not because he cant take care of himself, he can clearly however if our adversaries are going to constantly see him as the weak link in the network and my team than he and I do need to come up with a few more safety procedures for when hes on his own and I need to get Kate to do a little more hand-to-hand training with him. The young man has made remarkable strides and given enough time Im confidant he could more than handle himself but I also dont want him injured when not necessary and specifically not by a Diukon, despite Wills insistence the tests show that his heart among other organs were put under a strain and as his friend and his physician Im glad he wasnt exposed to that level of torture any longer._

_ The Tasmanian fire elemental that James died protecting and getting into my custody seems to be settling in as well as possible though I am hopeful that tomorrow Will and I maybe able to come up with a more formal means of communication since telepathy or outright verbal communication is not possible. I did notice that the scorch marks it causes in its enclosure have taken on a common pattern and yet it changes when either Henry or I are there, Im currently hoping to run some research into other patterns that have been found in their areas or when they attackperhaps we can somehow use that as a basis for a form of communication._

_ At the moment Ive given everyone the opportunity to relax a bit and take it easy for tonight, myself included. Tests are already underway on the elemental, I told Will and Kate to rest in their rooms until at least tomorrow afternoon and they can have breakfast in bed as Ive instructed Victor to prepare. Henry is pouring through the computers trying to figure out how we got hacked by the mobsters from Chicago and we were not alerted, Im confidant it will not happen again. The one bad thing about my staff and family is that they are much harder on themselves when they think they make a mistake than I could ever hope to be, not that Henry made a mistake but I know he feels he did. Im more than grateful that the mobsters didnt get the elemental, according to what James told me on the phone if they had the damage they could have done with it would have been far reaching and near immeasurable. I do wish Duke hadnt died in an explosion or even at all, his species is fascinating and seeing as how apparently the former Cabal scientist had managed to find a way to control his anger at least to a degree with the electrodes on his temples then it was possible with enough study and research we may have been able to mass produce them enough for the entire Diukon community. For now Im confined to what I can learn in a possible autopsy of the body when it is returned here as well as any information we may have gathered while Sally was linked to him. {Note: I must remember to check on her tomorrow as well, the last thing I want is her suffering as well.}_

Finishing that last sentence Helen Magnus realized just how much work she had to do and all because of this one situation, it was no wonder as Will joked once she got a billion emails a day. For now she carefully sat her journal where it wouldnt get wet then picked up her tea and settled back closing her eyes a moment, taking a deep breath and just taking a few minutes to calm her soul down then shed get out and go check on patients and such for the evening and do what she did most every nightwork.


	20. Chapter 20

[Sleepers]

It had taken all the influence that the woman had to keep the sleeping man on her sofa from running off to the lab and honestly herself with him to explore his new abnormality. Nikola of course wanted to believe it was perhaps step one to getting his vampirism back but she wasnt sure, still however that was a puzzle they could ponder tomorrow and she had no doubts that one or the other of them would find the solution. The mere fact he was sleeping or that the wine theyd shared had affected him so much was proof that he was more mortal than honestly she liked to think. As she looked down at him after spreading the quilt carefully over his frame and tucked him in she was reminded of how many times over the years theyd done this for each other, despite how he could drive her crazy and his recklessness the truth was that perhaps she and Nikola out of the original Five were the most alike. Heading over to her desk she had some work to finish while he slept or rested, whatever he would choose to call it once he woke up then shed try to settle her mind.

_I must confess to my own disappointment at not yet being able to reverse the effects of Nikolas devamper [really such a horrible name for such an ingenious invention]. Fortunately his new found magnetic ability has prevented him from realizing what he has lost, though trying to have a serious discussion with him about the repercussions and the changes he will have to make in his life and his work now that he is no longer immortal or a vampire proved hopeless, part of me is happy and sad. _

_ Unlike the rest of the Five back in time Tesla was never born into a life of privilege or of opportunity, everything he has done or accomplished over the decades he has earned himself. I suspect the only reason John, James, and Nigel even tolerated his involvement in our research was simply because he was so brilliant and so right about a great many things. As tolerant as the others were of him however I found myself actually intrigued by him, even in this day and age though over the decades I am concerned with his reckless abandon and his singular desire to see the vampire race reborn; though I can understand it of course. Perhaps my connection to him and my own fascination by his work was because of his brilliance or because he and I were more alike, on a scientific and platonic level, than either cared to admit._

_ He told me many months ago when we were fighting for our lives in the catacombs under Rome that the others had used the source for greed and other endeavors and though I love each of the others though all but John, Nikola and myself are gone now, that he was perhaps right. Each of them had their own reasons, as he and I did but mine were never anything more than scientific knowledge and do not believe his were either. He and I shared a love of the unknown, of science and the future but that which drew us together on that level is very likely why he and I never connected in the way John and I did. What is the saying, opposites attract and in my case that is very true?_

_ Though the current/past situation was entirely Teslas fault despite his joking attempt to blame me for it the truth is that hed been a vampire for a greater amount of time than he was mortal and despite his new found ability I am not yet confidant in even theorizing that he may again be immortal. The new ability is truly fascinating and I cannot wait to learn all I can of course but I fear that Nikola maybe looking for something he will not find and it will only spur him further into a level of depression that honestly does not sit well on this arrogant and yet noble man that I have come to know over so many years. Im continuing my research in hopes of finding a way to reverse his current predicament however despite my own level of intelligence the vampire race and species is much more his specialty than mine; still perhaps working together we may find a solution._

_ As I said previously though I am sorry for his situation and I understand his desire to see his ancestors and their race reborn, their work continue I am also deeply troubled in this current situation that Nikolas research involved innocent children; even spoiled ivy league babies, and that my network had little to no knowledge until already one of them had disappeared. If Chad Spencer hadnt died and gone on to kill others of his friends who were at the clinic who knows how long his research would have progressed before I was informed of what was going on and could stop it. We very nearly could not prevent it this time and yet I know discussion with Nikola about keeping me informed of his actions will do absolutely no good I cannot make a case nor do I wish to incarcerate him within the Sanctuary either. Im hopeful with some thought that another option may become clear to me at some point, unfortunately as yet no epiphanies have made themselves known._

Helen came a gruff voice.

Laying down her pen the head lifted and looked up settling over on the sofa and she had a small smile on her lips amused, Youve only been asleep a little while Nikola, get some more rest. Youre fine here.

A bit of a smile pulled at his lips, goofy grin really, MmmI always knewyou wanted my body close.

Helen Magnus shook her head, Of course Nikola, whatever you say. Now go back to sleep she insisted and silently watched as he merely smiled and closed his eyes in short order. Why oh why cant you ever learn a lesson the easy way my dear boy she asked the room?

Her answer came from a soft snort and then a snore as Nikola Tesla, former vampire, slept peacefully for the moment on her sofa.


	21. Chapter 21

[Haunted]

Standing on the parapet at three am Helen Magnus knew that she wouldnt be bothered, oh chances were Henry was probably watching her on the security monitors unless like a good lad hed finally gone to get some rest after working so long on the repairs that the electrical entity had caused. Kate was likely asleep already or helping out somewhere and the only one that had truthfully probably given real thought to interrupting her solitude as she was lost in thought and had been for hours, emotions threatening to overwhelm her, was Will. As yet he hadnt interrupted her and she hoped he wouldnt, for well over a century now this was her place of thought and contemplation, where she could get insights and look out over the city shed sacrificed so much to protect. The tape recorder was running, she just didnt have it in her to write tonight and yet sharing her emotions even with the far-reaching winds was part of her ritual.

_Not even I can be sure of his permanent departure at his sacrifice of teleporting without a destination in mind, I know only that John himself had told me more than once over the intervening years that it was dangerous to do so with no fixed destination. As head of the Sanctuary network and a physician I suppose I should be hoping that it was, that the women from this time forward and their families are safe from the rage that overwhelms him but I cannot be happy about his possible disappearance or even his deaththough I myself over the many decades have tried to kill him more than once._

Many over the years including my former fianc have called me brilliant, have marveled at the insights, cures, and theories Ive proven or come up with and yet tonight, this entire situation fills me with more than doubt. No one knows him or knew him better than I, at times that was not something I was more proud of and yet despite all Ive seen, my own feelings for the man and knowing how gentle he was when we first met and before the experiments that changed us I never once thought it possible that he was as much a victim of something else as any other creature under my care and protection. Ironically it was John himself who found out the truth, if I had not been forced to kill him and then to revive him again the creature would not have gone into the facility and we would not know.

Pausing to take a deep breath, pulling the shawl tighter around her arms as she felt the soft but chilly breeze flow around her a single tear rolled down the face of time dropping silently to the cement and concrete belowunseen and unknown.

_I should have known, I should have defended him even against our friends and my own father who cautioned me about his murderous intentions. Of course I did not believe at first but seeing him covered in blood, the hatred and rage in his eyes as he slashed Mollys throat before me; my own pleas to let me try and help him and yet knowing in my heart I would be unsuccessful. Many failures have followed me through time but none more so than him, not just because of the women he murdered or that I did not see the monster that lurked within him but none more so do I feel than the mistakes I made with Ashley and the first ones I made with John._

_ Our future was to be so happy, so innocent, and yes perhaps what many would consider common and yet neither of us thought the sacrifices of the experiment would ask for more than we could give. Despite the losses, the sacrifices, the pain my sorrow alone is to never end and as I feel my former fiancs absence as keenly as my daughters. I could not have survived so much over the years without one or both of them, despite the rage that ate at both of them, they were and are familythey were what would see me through time and now I fear in only a few short months I have lost the only two centers of my universe I have ever known. I failed the both of them, in such immeasurable ways that I cannot even fathom how I can tolerate my own continued existence. But that is the part of the universe that is my curse, that no matter what loss I may suffer that I must go on and continue to live, to allow the pain and loss to consume me. If I could have only said goodbye, saved at least one of them but that was not to be. I am forever destined to be alone, in pain and hurting._

_ Wherever they maybe, alive or gone, whatever form they maybe I only hope that both Ashley and my precious love for all eternity find peace. John Druitt maybe a cold blooded murderer to history but to me he will always be my other half, my love, for all eternity._

Unable to say any more Helen Magnus slowly reached out and turned off the item, she could speak no moreher heart in pieces. For one brief moment, perhaps only a second, the woman considered simply stepping forwardone step would be all it took then if the stories of the afterlife were to be believed she, Ashley and John would be together again and perhaps able to become the family that her own desire of curiosity had cheated them all out of. The thought faded as quickly as it came however as a single word permeated the air from behind

Magnus.


	22. Chapter 22

[Kali Pt. 1 & 2]

~Bloody bastard~ Dr. Helen Magnus told herself as she stalked through the ships corridors on her way to her rooms, she had a call from Kate and Ravi about Will and despite Terrances wanting to overthrow her or whatever his plan was she was still the mans friend and his physician, she needed to know what was going on with him while Henry was trying to gather data on what had happened. Shed deal with her network in due course but right now she had other problems turning over in her head, though it had taken all her resolve not to dump the man over the railing or perhaps she should have gone with her sons suggestion and tied him from a chopper offering him as a sacrifice to Bertha.

It took her a few hours to get things going and she was now aboard her long range chopper heading back towards Mumbai, there was nothing she could do for now from the research ship and she had a meeting with Terrance who hadnt said two words to her since his little coup, and the other heads of house from the Sanctuary after she checked on Will. This was his fault, plain and simple. Oh shed be more than willing to take the blame for the overall situation but shed managed to contain it to a degree, at least Bertha had been quiet only to have him upset her and now she had no idea how they were going to stop her or the wave shed sent out that would be destroying coastal cities in just a few hours. Laying her fingers over the keys on her laptop she started to type, maybe an idea would come to her while she took the chance to try and clear her mind before they landed so she could at least help her young protg and friend if nothing else.

_Im unfortunately reminded again of my fathers words back when he was originally in charge of the forming Sanctuary, Keep things close to you Helen, even your friends may turn out to be enemies in this world. At the time I thought he was just being paranoid, after all if someone in this world was trusted with the secrets and they handled it how could they possibly suddenly turn and not realize what was at stake? Why Im convinced that part of Terrance feels that he had done the right thing I must confess Im also furious not just with him but the network as a whole, yes I may have lied to them but they know me well enoughknow the sacrifices Ive made including my own flesh and blood to preserve our work; can they really think that I would have lied to them without an excellent reason to do so?_

_ As much as the current situation with the other heads of houses pains me right now it is not a priority, the truth is I expect them to come to me well before I arrive back in Mumbai since apparently Terrances plans for Bertha to kill her with the depth charges by forcing her into the rift she created; failed miserably. That is neither here nor there at the moment, I will handle the network in due course but at the moment my priority is rather two fold including the health and safety of my young protg, which seems to have worsened again thanks to the actions of Wexford. In addition there is also the matter of the massive wave that Bertha sent out in retaliation to being almost killed, I cant say I honestly blame her and truthfully I wish I could simply do what she did and make those pay for actions they had done. Still however she must be stopped, Im hopeful that Henrys analysis of the wave may yield an idea I have yet to think of._

Helen came a voice, tentative at best.

Pausing in her typing to look up, Not now Terrance, and lowered her eyes back to her laptop, she had no desire to deal with him at the moment resuming typing.

_At the moment the best theory I have in stopping the wave that will be causing destruction in only a few hours at several major coastal cities is to use another wave to cancel it out but the logistics make that impossible not to mention we do not have the same ability Bertha does to manipulate magnetic plates. If the wave reaches the major docking ports and coastal cities the damage it will do will be enormous, not just the loss of life but the economies of the world will be affected as will shipping and God only knows what other damage or how many ships will be lost. These issues are precisely part of the reasons I did not kill her in the first place, there is simply no way to know how she and the environment of the planet are actually connected or how she may respond when threatened, though like most creatures who are even semi intelligent she does not take it well and I doubt anyone could blame her._

_ From what Kate and Ravi informed me about Wills condition hed been successful in getting through to Bertha or Kali as he calls her until the attempt on her life then apparently she accused him of betraying her if the fevered words of my young friends mind are to be believed and I do tend to believe him. Based on the medical information I was able to gather Ive ordered a few treatments that should slow down his rate of decline but if we cannot get Bertha/Kali to stop whatever she is doing to him I fear we may have little success in saving his life. I can promise you as well that should he die I will lay the blame entirely with Terrance; from a personal standpoint of course._

_ The one bit of good news in all this is that with Berthas obvious distress and her acting out of instinct for survival Im fairly certain that Foresythe is no longer in control of her even with the Makris help; shes not listening to him or I doubt she would have acted so harshly or climbed atop one of the islands she made exposing herself to a more vulnerable position. Ive instructed Henry to consider if the El-Rad plan maybe successful again but we will see I suppose, unless its almost a guaranteed certainly Im loathe to agree or even suggest it where the others can hear me because the last action we need is Bertha being more upset than she is at the moment._

_ One fact among all others are clear however, if the network cannot handle this situation and get it contained in short order the world will face a type of destruction and chaos that it has never seen before and we may loose a lot more than shipping lanes or economic ties. Bertha has it within her to destroy the world by massive earthquakes and tidal patterns without barely a thought and that CANNOT be allowed to happenregardless of the cost._

Doctor Magnus came a voice over her headset.

Hitting save and closing the lid to her laptop hearing the words she nodded at the message that Ravi was on for her, Put him through please hearing his voice. Ravi, how is Will?

A/N: Well Im finally caught up on the TV show. Once season 3 starts Ill start doing these weekly with each episode; at least thats the plan. J Anyways let me know what you think and I am planning to do the webisodes but I do need to go back and watch them again as they are vastly different than the TV series in that they are much darker so I need to be able to find Helens voice in a different way again.


	23. Chapter 23

[Sanctuary For All: Webisode(s) # 1 4]

Dr. Helen Magnus had little choice but to be amused at her newest protgs naivety and innocence, a little time here and she had no doubt those would be two qualities he would likely loose though she certainly hoped not entirely. Spending a little time talking with him then making rounds to check on people including her daughter; who was in full Magnus Mode is what she called it recalling her own stubbornness and anger over the years particularly when she was her age. The woman was confidant shed driven more than a few people, especially her father insane. For now she went back to her study to record some thoughts and insights before shed go back downstairs to the lab, there were a few patients she wanted to work with tonight and she also wanted to check on Will once more before she called it an evening and he turned in.

_There was a saying once that only those closest to a person could cause them the most pain and unfortunately time, a VERY long time have taught me that is true. I once underestimated John Druitt and his determination and that belief almost tonight cost me more than I could face to loose in the form of my precious daughter and a dear friend and confidant of a great many years. Fortunately with the help of my newest protg tragedy was avoided and yet I cannot help but wonder if my once former fianc, the man that despite even all hes done now a part of me still loves, still lingers in time somewhere. As a physician, a scientist, a researcher even as a human being I must look at him and what he has done and condemn him for it however there is also another part of me that is the woman that originally fell in love with him._

_ The first time I looked up into his face as his shadow cast over the book I was reading and his soft and gentle voice inquired as to my name. Time has hardened both of us, decisions we both made and yet I cannot forget the man he was. The carefree persona that could spend hours and hours contemplating even the simplest things and then in the blink of an eye have you engaged in the most ambitious and demanding conversation on a particular theory a person has ever seen. John Druitt then was a man of contradictions and he still is, the only difference is the face of those contradictions._

_ I admit a part of me will always feel guilty for what he has done, what he became as it was my fault. Yes the five may have wanted to push boundaries but we would have never gotten the chance if I had not pushed myself harder and farther, derived a serum from the blood and quitted any fears we had about what may happen. If I had only refused to allow the others to experiment until I knew for sure what effects it was having on my physiology, perhaps I could have somehow prevented his. What John became, what hes done, will forever be my demons and my demons alone to face and yet despite all time I will always be in love with the man who he was beforethe man who when he asked me to marry him I pictured growing old with, having children, grandchildren one day. John Druitt today maybe a monster and I condemn that monster but John Druitt the man, the kind and gentle soul I will always lovefor all eternity!_

Pausing in her writing as she sat behind her desk Helen Magnus looked over at the fire a moment, letting her thoughts drift between topics she wished to address before putting pen to paper gentle again and her perfect handwriting stated to fill the page.

_Though it has not been addressed yet the truth about who Ashleys father is and his subsequent actions, my own decision to withhold the truth from her and lie in a misguided attempt to protect her will be actions I fear can and will come back and haunt me for a great many years. Since our return from the subway she has barely said two words to me, not that I can blame her of course, however I know that in order to heal for both of us we must discuss this situation. Still I fear that perhaps I am not the best one to discuss it with, my hope is that she would speak with Henry or perhaps even my newest protg but I fear that may not be the case._

_ That result lies not at her feet however but at my own, since the moment of her birth I have ingrained in her the need for secrecy, the need to focus on more than ourselves, the world that needs changed and saving and that sometimes their needs must be paramount over our own. Though she may deny it the truth is that Ashley reminds me of myself so very long ago, not only so young in action and look but in thinking. Reality has unfortunately taught me many lessons and among them is the belief that despite what we do or may not do sometimes situations cannot be changed. To the young though they are still filled with ideology, with the belief that things can be made better if we only try hard enough._

Again pausing in her writing not wanting to focus too much more at the moment on the situation with her daughter, it was so complicated and had covered over twenty years of decisions and beliefs and it was something she would have to work out with her and not in words in her journal. Taking a sip of her tea gently Helen again picked up her pen and tipped her head.

_Over the course of my lifetime Ive had a great many colleagues and even protgs and each one was separate and special in their own way, but I have to admit that William Zimmerman fascinates me in a way that I have not been in quite a while and not just fascination but challenges me. As with any protg who has come into this odd world of creatures and all we believed growing up to actually be true despite parents assurances that monsters are the thing of imagination he has thrown himself in fully to learning and befriending many of those here in only a few days._

_ Several decades ago when the child was brought to my attention I have to admit there were times I wondered if perhaps he was not the one, if he was perhaps simply a normal human who would lead a mediocre life and existence and yet Im more than pleased to find out Im wrong. His belief in refusing to believe that a convicted killer could do what the authorities were accusing him up showed me just a glimpse of the potential within him. Hes young, inexperienced, nave but hes also insightful well beyond his years, a very fast learner and his powers of observation are unmatched in all that Ive seen. In so many ways he reminds me of a dear friend from long ago and I think given time he can perhaps become so much more than even I may realize at this moment. It is within him to see beyond the known, to very clearly believe in the unbelievable!_

A soft knocking interrupted her thoughts and Helen Magnus looked up finding the object of her current thoughts standing there, Will she greeted, Please motioning him inside and to a seat if he wished closing her journal, the look on his face told her that he perhaps needed a little company and some carefully placed reassurance before his mind and soul would relax enough to let him rest. Of course as his mentor she was willing to offer whatever she could but as she watched him offer her a smile and come in sitting down she realized that he was also becoming a friendat least she hoped so.


	24. Chapter 24

[Fata Morgana: Webisode(s) # 5 8]

~Ouch~ Helen thought to herself as she slid off the gurney, putting a hand to her side then dropped as she saw the others looking at her, Im fine.

Oh yeah mom Ashley Magnus insisted, Just like were fine.

Cheeky Ashley her mother insisted heading toward her manservant who was unconscious hooked up to various equipment, The rest of you are well enough to return to your rooms, well start the formal clean up tomorrowpatients are storing the bodies and such for now gently cupping the hairy cheek, he had again saved her life and she only hoped that she could return the favor. Im going to remain here for a few hours to monitor him, I will be by to check on the rest of you.

Stepping up beside his new boss as Ashley and Henry nodded Will Zimmerman saw her glance his way, Magnus, Im hurt the leastIll stay with him, why dont you go have a cup of tea and relax for a little while?

Surprised considering the mans first reaction to the big man Helen merely gave him a nod and made him understand he better be planning to rest as well before she left, it spoke a lot to his ability to conform and adapt to this world if he was asking to be alone with the man. For now she went to check on her daughter and then made a cup of tea heading toward her room and settled in the sitting area where she carefully got a fire going and laid pen to paper, her ribs protesting a bit and her headache present but not too bad.

Checking on the staff or the children as she thought of them, her staff technically Helen Magnus headed toward her rooms. After retiring to her chambers once she made herself a cup of tea the woman got a fire going fairly quickly, she was a bit out of practice having come to depend on Victor who always even after this relatively short period of time anticipated her needs and had things ready no matter what room she was due to arrive in. Settling on the end of the sofa and taking a few moments to simply enjoy the warmth and the firelight with a few sips of tea the woman carefully opened the leather bound book and settled it on her lap laying pen softly to the paper.

_Ive seen and dealt with a great many threats over my time, many I thought insurmountable at first but have often been proven wrong and I find myself again hoping this is one of those times. The organization that call themselves the Cabal I fear are destined to be the biggest challenge to not only my work and the Sanctuary in all the time since I took over for my father but to my kids and me personally. They are unlike any other rogue organization I have ever known, their soldiers are as deadly and powerful as those within my own reach and though their goals are different the truth is that this network and their organization have many of the same battles together. I am positive no matter what that we have not seen nor heard the last from the Cabal again._

_ This past battle left all of my staff injured from my newest to one of my oldest and dearest friends. Why I am confident that all will recover I must confess that I am troubled with just how far they may recover. Though Henry, Ashley and Victor have been with me a great many years and have learned to work as a team young Dr. Zimmerman is still finding his footing in this world and I do have a few concerns, Im confidant in his abilities and his desire to overcome any issues and I believe given enough time that he will become a fine warrior and asset to the network I am afraid that the situations may not give him the time he requires and that may force him into his own baptism in fire so to speak. Ive made it clear to him that should he ever need to talk that my door is always open and I simply must trust him to come to me should he have the need._

_ On another level I must express my pride as well at how far my young son has come since I brought him to the Sanctuary not so very long ago. While at the moment he wants to deny what he is that is a battle for the future I fear, yet this past situation with the Cabal has shown me just how far young Mr. Henry Foss has come. Not just as a technology expert, an area in which he excels, but also as an up and coming field operative that must more times than not react under stress. Though there are a few issues I need to bring up with him when we speak I was overall very impressed with his conduct and his abilities, his desires even during this latest crisis._

_ Ashleys performance during this past crisis with the Cabal was perfect from a field operative standpoint, Ive never been proud of her and her skillsshe is truly a warrior and the greatest asset I have. Yet as her mother I must confess I am concerned, on the island when we first went to retrieve the Morrigan I saw the internal struggle going on within her. Though I tried to speak with her more than once I was shut out, not that I blame her of course, however her actions as a result worry me even more. Her hesitation during the fight on the island is completely understandable and I wish that I could impart to her that it does not in anyway mean that she is loosing a skill or that she must feel nothing in order to be able to do this work. However as uncomfortable as Ashley is discussing her feelings with me I fear that is as much my fault as anything else. I was so much the same way growing up, trying to prove myself in what was a mans world did not leave me a great deal of time to sink into arms and confide in someone I was scared or confused._

_ My daughter and I have a great deal to work through and I have even more to make up, not just the news about her father but about how I have always made her second in my life to my work. At the time I believed it was for the best, that it was so Ashley could eventually have a normal life and yet I still kept her at arms length even after she decided to dedicate her life to this work. Shes never had many friends outside the Sanctuary; the work did not allow for sleepovers, slumber or birthday parties, as she was in school in the conventional sense. Her short time in a community college to obtain a BA degree was more my desire than mine I fear. Weve traveled most of the countries of the world together for our work and yet Ashley and I rarely spend any real time together, that is more my fault than hers Im confidant of. As I stated previously I have a great deal to make up for with my daughter, I only wish I knew how to ask her for that chance._

Pausing in her writing to take a moment and think about Ashley, think about the things she had to make up for and think about all the mistakes she made Helen took a deep breath then another sip of tea before setting the cup carefully aside to resume what she had been doing.

_Being alive over 150 years has seen many colleagues, friends, lovers, even family come and go and it is never easy to make a friend even for a normal person. Ive treated and established relationships with almost every species of abnormal Ive ever come across and yet there are a few that are closer than even I realize at the time. Victor is one such person, others look at him and see a monster, a beast that should be caged or put down and yet he has become my closest confidant and friend in the last fifty or so years since I met him. Hes changed so much and come so far in only the short time weve been acquainted, grown so much and I would trust him and have trusted him with my life as he has done for me. This latest attack left him the most severely injured and mainly because he was defending me, not that I ever ask him to but he feels that he owes me despite my trying to reassure him for the past several decades that he has not. I confess I feel a bit unworthy of his trust and respect and yet I am more grateful for it than I can ever express. He is family, my family and I love him just as much as I do any of the others on my staff or Ashley._

A beeping on her radio nearby brought her out of her thoughts and she leaned forward picking it up, Yes?

Magnus came Zimmermans voice, Big guy is waking up, hes asking about you and if youre ok. If you dont get down here hes threatening to

~Leave Im sure~ Helen thought closing her journal and sat it aside pressing the button and already was on her feet, Im on my way Will, tell him I said to stay put if you pleaseI do not wish to go chasing him through the Sanctuary this evening and let the button up. Taking a moment to look out a window she spoke to the winds, The next time you attack us and our work, well be readyI shall not underestimate you again and then she left to head back to the infirmary.


End file.
